11.30.2009

Day 108--- The Only Thing Worse than Uggs...



Howdy... You know one of the hardest things about this blog is trying to come up with some sort of witty original introduction each day... While I don't think that I do an overly stellar job everyday I will remind you of two things that will hopefully keep you coming back. One, I try, at least I try, and two,(this may be the most important), I do not plaster pictures of my cat all over my blog... For that you should thank me. Anyways on to todays topic, another intro down... I have chosen a topic that brings me back to my days living in NYC, "The city that never sleeps", "the big apple", the concrete jungle, the fashion capital of the world... Well, that last one may not always ring true, and I am going to bring out my inner fashion diva to explain why. Todays assault is on the nimrod's who believe it to be acceptable to wear (sandals, thongs, or flip-flops) through the winter months of the year...

Seriously though, these turd burglars not only possess zero fashion sense but they have also abandoned all common sense as well... They must read the same fashion mags as the ra-tards who I wrote about earlier who wear scarves in the middle of the summer... Just because the gap has a sale on these items does not mean that they need to be worn when you purchase them. They are on sale, because it is not the proper season to wear them... Just sayin... I am no Tim Gunn, but at least I know to dress comfortable and safe while also dressing presentable... Maybe they never learned how to tie shoes or maybe they cant afford Uggs but this is why Velcro was invented. Duh...

I really don't understand what must pass through their minds as they are getting ready to go out on the town... OK... Jeans, long sleeve-t, jacket, scarf, beanie, gloves ... sandals. I don't care if you did just move here from Alaska, your feet still get cold, and although it may be not the 1st place that your body heat escapes from it is certainly not the last... This is fast becoming the 2nd world wide sandal problem, the first being to wear socks with them, neither is a category that I would ever let myself be found dead in. Or alive in for that matter. The lack of brain cells in these people is mind boggling, but not as much as their lack of exposure to Project Runway... One episode of that show and you can at least dress like a grown up... There has been some dispute to weather open toed heels count in today's category, and I am going to say no... I'm going to say no because if you are wearing the proper height heels your feet will be numb the whole time anyways, even with all the blood trying to escape from your foot through your toes I imagine stay warm enough... (I plan on testing that theory this weekend, since we all know I cross dress on the first weekend of every December) (Family tradition) (well, not an old family tradition, but one I certainly plan on implementing when I have kids of my own).

Even homeless people manage to find a usable pair of shoes in the winter, so why cant these schmucks? OK, maybe the homeless guys shoes are not matching, and one is from the 80's while the other is from the 50's... But at least he is trying... Ya, sure his un-pedicured foot is growing out through the hole, maybe he decided to go sock-less, and maybe he is wearing the tongue of the shoe as a bracelet, but like I said at least he is trying... You the winter-sandalman, you have given no attempt at normalcy, you are so far outside the box you are Andy Dick (this joke can be taken many different ways, enter thought process at your own risk)...

If you are ever walking down the street and get a stealth punch to the face, you can assume it is because you are wearing sandals past the proper date... I bet you are wondering when that date is, so I'm gonna tell you... If you live North of North Carolina, Tennessee, New Mexico, Arizona, Vegas, or Bakersfield California, then your cut off is October 14th... (why you ask, well one, its my birthday so its an easy day for me to remember, and two, because it starts getting pretty damn cold then) the degree amount you want to look for is 46.3 degrees F... (I don't know what this will be for my friends down under, or across the pond, this is up to you to figure out)... As for those of you south of those northernmost areas I mentioned you guys get until Thanksgiving, purely because I know it can still be near sandal weather up to that point... But I swear to you anytime after that and you should prepare for a swift punch to the face, if you are extremely tall, your neck...

This is the only way I think that these Abercrombie model wannabe frat boy sdarter ->(retards backwards, to offend less people) will learn... So I now give all of my readers permission to be the teachers, go now unto the world and regulate...

11.29.2009

Day 107--- Try Some Tyson...


It's that time again... What time you ask, time to pick on another celebrity of my choosing... With so many idiotic celebrities out there you would think that the decision would be easy... But that's what makes it so hard, I really could find something defaming to say about four out of five of them... Ten minutes on TMZ's website and I am reading stories about people I thought had long fled the spotlight and paparazzi... Tiger Woods really took a beating this week, apparently self afflicted, but I respect his golf game so I'll let TMZ deal with him... However Mike Tyson is not going to be so lucky...

Really? Really??? Those are two words that come to mind when I take a look at this joke of a human... You don't even have to know about this guys past to know he is a weirdo, one look at the giant tattoo over half of his face and you are pretty much up to speed on this guy... I wish I could blame his awkwardness on getting hit in the head repeatedly for most of his adult life, but I have a feeling he would have turned out just as nutty had he worked a gas station his entire life... With a voice that even the stuttering kid makes fun of you are bound to get into some fights in your life... I imagine that in the early years they started out as self defense, and then at some point he must have started winning those fights... Wikipedia told me that he had been arrested 38 times by age 13, why am I not surprised... He is just a prime example of what not to do with your fame... He has 7 kids with 3 wives (he's like the Lil Wayne of the 90's), spent 3 years in jail for rape (this was the bullet that Kobe dodged), then he comes out and feasts on Evander's ear... I remember when that happened I thought it was some sort of a joke, I have since been proven wrong... Seriously though, how desperate do you have to be to win a fight to bite someones ear off??? The funny thing is that he had bitten it once earlier in that round too, if I was Holyfield I would have called it right there... Maybe he learned this technique while in prison, who knows, maybe it is actually worth extra points to bite ears off in prison fights. I hope I never have to find out the answer to that question.

The sad thing is that biting an ear off in one of the most televised fights of all time was not even his biggest screw up. He somehow managed to piss away an estimated 300 million dollar net worth and have to end up claiming bankruptcy in 2003... Which he in turn started doing exhibition fights in order to pay off debts... I cant imagine how embarrassing this must have been after earning around 30 million a fight. I guess money is money, but its a little like having to strip at the local titty bar after having been on the cover of Playboy. Although this guy is clearly used to embarrassment, after this he decided to try and stay out of the media for awhile, this was until he also decided to load up on coke and alcohol and go for a drive around town. He must have had OJ's lawyer after this one because he only had to serve one night in prison and then do some community service... (And I'm from where he got busted, I know any DUI is 30 days minimum lock up) I guess it pays to have punched people in their faces for a living... He had not been up to much until the beginning of this month when he got into a fight with some photographers at LAX, (I don't think anyone ever taught him the keep your hands to yourself option that most of us learn when we are younger)... Who knows though, maybe he thought he could make a few bucks to pay down his debt...

My final take is that this guy is a menace, he probably has a weekly card game with OJ, Chris Brown, Kanye, Kobe, and DMX... I bet they just sit around counting their money and deciding what they are going to do next to act a fool and get back in the media... I feel for them I really do, No I don't...




11.28.2009

Day 106--- I Can Wet Myself, Thank You...

Hello friends. I hope that you all had an enjoyable day... I know I did... I bet you are all wondering who today's blog is going to be about... Otherwise you probably would not be coming to this page, I mean, lets admit the pictures really are not that special... Well, today I have decided to pick on a group of people that I cant really figure out... Bathroom attendants...

You know the people I am talking about... The commander of the paper towels, the captain of the cologne's, the controller of the cigarettes... These guys crack me up and scare the piss out of me at the same time... Every time I go into a bathroom and see one of these guys I go into an instant panic... First of all because I don't want someone in the bathroom who is going to monitor my pee strength, but mostly because I don't want to have to pay to wash my hands... Maybe the rest of you feel OK taking this guys stock of paper towels and then disappearing without a tip but something for the service industry side of me feels guilty every time I make off without tipping... Not to say that I don't do it, but I hate feeling guilty... I want to just tell the guy that I can figure out the soap and paper towel situation on my own but he always seems to be a step ahead of me... If he was really on top of things though he would be helping with the unbuttoning, unraveling, re buttoning, and flushing, this is where I seem to have the most problems, and or lack the most control... Not that this happens much when I am out, but I would gladly drop a tenner to any one of these fellas who could come into a stall and wipe me, I mean if you are going to be a tip worthy bathroom attendant why limit yourself to the sink area? I know you can handle some paper towels, but if you really want to make yourself useful in here Ive got a list of things you could work on...

See, after living in NY you kind of become numb to people who just seem like they want money for nothing... When your city is infested (for lack of better word) with homeless people you have to set up some sort of system for the ones who will receive your money, otherwise you may end up begging next to them some day... So with this principal in mind I have decided that this is how I will determine if the bathroom attendants that I come into contact with are worth my dollar, really I would go with change but the little wicker basket they have on the sink full of ones and fives just scoffs at anything less than a dollar... Ive decided that if they speak to me politely or say something that makes me laugh then they are worthy of at least one dollar, this I will find a way to write off to charity, because that's really what this is anyways... Are these people hired by the bars that they work in? Or do they just set up shop in a different place each night until they are kicked out??? What is the training that goes into this job??? OK, now monopolize the soap once someone is washing their hands, ask them if they would like some. If they wouldn't you are shit out of luck, but give them a glare and you can make sure they leave feeling like a dirty bastard for not using your soap. Paper towels, this one can be tricky, because honestly even if there is no one around I will usually walk out of a bathroom drying my hands on my pants. Its quick and easy...

One time when I was out, I used the attendants soap, because I was not left much of a choice, and then he quickly handed me a paper towel, without asking if I would be needing one. I used it, threw it away, and then proceeded to walk out, I appreciated the help but did not feel that the effort was worth a dollar. Anyways, as I turned to walk out without tipping the drunk ass next to me decided to be Robin Hood of the bathroom, he says to me," why don't you tip the guy?"... 9000 different reasons ran through my head on why I didn't want to and didn't need to tip the guy, but instead of getting in a fight I just turned and continued walking, this hero then pulled out a 5 or 10 and decided he would pick up my slack... I walked out thinking to myself has this really become that big of a deal, someone hands me a paper towel and I am automatically supposed to give him 5 bucks, come on... I've waited on tables for an hour to two hours, getting everything they need from the moment they sat down. Gotten there totals to 100 dollars plus and then been tipped nothing, which in turn costs me money... So why would I ever feel the need to pay someone for handing me a paper towel. In the economic crisis that we are in I say bathroom attendants should be one of the first groups of people to go... We have really reached the pinnacle of lazy when we cannot soap or dry our own hands... There are people in other countries who lack running water, and we have someone waiting in our bathrooms to put a dab of Dial on our hands... Where does that fit into an economic stimulus project? Nowhere, ya that's what I thought...

The collection of items that they have on the sink is always fun to have a look at... I feel like it is a little window into that persons life... Most of them have cigarettes for sure, especially if they are posted up in a bathroom in a bar... So that takes care of cigarettes, they also have a grand assortment of cologne... This is where you can decide how classy you attendant is... If he is rocking out with some Aqua Di Gio and some Armani Mania, then you have found a guy who knows his audience... However every now and then you will run into someone who has Brut and other colognes from the 70's, stay away from this guy, he likely just robbed Walgreens of their cologne and snuck into your bar. You also need to judge the way that your dude has folded his paper towels... If he pulls them out straight away and hands them to you then he is really not concerned about his art or of the dryness of your hands, but if you have found someone who basically makes origami out of the towels you know you are not leaving that bathroom wet... Some of these guys even have gum or candy for sale... I don't know about you, but the bathroom is one of the last places that I am thinking, "hey I could really go for a Snickers right now"... Its just not the place.

When it is all said and done, I hate when these guys are in the bathroom for so many reasons... With them I can never enjoy a crap knowing someone else will hear my every grunt, that sucks. Same deal with a pee, I love peeing alone, but when paper towel boy is in there we are automatically forced to have an audience... Which does not work well with my stage fright.... I am all about creating jobs, but at the same time I am all about ruining the ones that weird me out or cost me money that I do not need to be spending... This is one of those jobs...

11.27.2009

Day 105--- Therminators...


Hello friends. Welcome to yet another day in the blog life of 365 days of people... Its for me now that I am writing days in the hundreds, it makes it feel like I have been doing this forever now, but then at the same time reminds me how many days I have ahead... Fuchsiag, It'll be a while til I make fun of people who see Broadway shows, considering I saw about 40 during my years in NY. Its funny that you mention RENT because I am going to see that tonight with my girlfriend here in Milwaukee, it will be my 6th time seeing that show, love it... Sco, you are right, it is fun to watch or hear people fail like that, I stand corrected... Who should I write about today??? Ive got one. How many people have ever had to deal with thermostat dictators? I have!

If you are confused by this I am talking about the people who feel that it is their duty to control the temperature of a room or house even if they are not the only ones there. I know that I am not the only person who has had to deal with these guys in the past... The worst were my parents though, they would battle to control the climate of our house like they were on American Gladiators. My dad always wanted the house to be hot, and we lived in Arizona, I think the truth behind this was just to cheap out on the energy bill... My mom was on the same team as the rest of us and enjoyed the use of the modern air conditioning. Thank God that women usually win those battles... Obviously when I was a kid I really didn't get much say, I so looked forward to the day that I would have a place of my own where I could control the weather... Well, unfortunately this day has yet to come... I may be out on my own by I have yet to shed the likes of the home temperature Nazi... I always seem to find roommates who think that they have some sort of right to control the heating and cooling for everyone in the home... This would not be so bad if we had similar preferences, but I have yet to be so lucky.

What is it that makes these people feel like they are so special? These people should be caged, these people should be caged and made to watch CSPAN. The punishment still doesn't fit the crime but you see the direction I'm headed. I guess this is what I have to endure until I can live in a roommate-less home, but at that point I'll probably have to worry about my wife controlling it... Just cant win. As I write this I wonder if this is a problem that only I have had to deal with in my life... maybe that's just because I find reason to complain about everything. If I am the only one though, I am wishing that these people infiltrate the lives of the rest of you, not because I don't love you all like you were my own children, but because I just want you to be able to relate to my blog. My hope is that by the end of the year I have found a way to make every form of person on earth seem annoying for one reason or another... Only time will tell...

11.26.2009

Day 104--- Wrong Lyricist...


So I'd say that was a pretty successful Thanksgiving, my first experience making a turkey all by myself, (turned out perfect!) I have to admit I was a bit worried... Pretty successful little feast for the little lady and I, if my camera wasn't a piece of crap I'd love to upload some pictures from my private life for you guys to be jealous of... Anyways on to the blog... Today I have decided to go with those annoying people who always seem to sing the wrong lyrics...

Although they will always be the first to open their trap when the radio comes on, this does not ensure they will be singing the correct lyrics... I find it so annoying when I am trying to listen to one of my favorite songs and the person next to me is doing there best to butcher it with their version of the song... This is almost as annoying as when I have to wave my hands under and electric censored sink for 20 minutes just to get the water to turn on, almost that annoying... How hard can it be to find out the right lyrics to songs these days, I mean every single one is on the Internet or the inside of the C.D. cover, oh ya we don't buy those things anymore, OK so they are on the Internet...

The worst is when these people get a hold of a karaoke microphone... They bring a room full of people into the nightmare that is their life... When I was living in Hawaii we used to go out to this place every Sunday that had karaoke, boy oh boy I swear every American Idol reject found their way into this bar on Sunday nights... How can you sing the wrong lyrics when they are all coming up in perfect timing right before your eyes? I'm not quite sure but these William Hung's have found a way to make karaoke that much more annoying...

Another awful spot to be stuck with them is on a road trip, it is always smart to audition your friend for current pop song knowledge and rock classics before you agree to take a trip with them... Otherwise your ride could be as disastrous as inviting having Oprah over for dinner, and trust me that is bad...

You've been warned.

11.25.2009

Day 103--- Junior Bacon Cheeseburger the III...


Well hello there people... by the time you read this it will be Thanksgiving here in the states. So happy turkey day to those that are celebrating with me... It is a great day to be thankful for all sorts of great things in our lives... all the f words, family, friends, food..... I'll leave the rest up to you... Since today is the day before Thanksgiving I've decided to do a blog about a group of people that I am not thankful for, and no offense if you fall into this category, but I just don't get the people who name their kids after themselves...

This whole process is a joke to me, are you really lacking that much creativity that you just want to rename your kid with your name and slap a Jr. on the end... You know they make books upon books these days for idiots like you who cant think of anything... Oh, and didn't think those of you who slap a II or a III on the end are free from my ridicule... You guys are just as bad, this isn't medieval times, you are not a king, your son is not a prince. This to me is something that just red flags white trash, Bobby Jr., Billie Joe III, names used to be passed on to represent royalty, now they are passed on so that the crack head parents don't forget their kids names... "Yeah, well that's Becky Sue the III there, and that younger one there, that's Becky Sue the IV, it just cuts down all the confusion...". I don't know how or when this transition from royalty to pooralty occurred, I'm gonna have to dig back into my history archives to find out how we went from King George III to Ken Griffey Jr...

The whole junior/senior thing is pointless anyways, you know everyone is just gonna call that kid Jr. his whole life anyways, you may as well have just named him that... You know no one ever called Ken Griffey Jr. by Ken, it was always Griffey Jr. or Jr. or the last baseball player to not take steroids... I don't know if this trend is as predominant in other countries and cultures as it is here, but I hope that they have a grip on it... Come to think of it though probably not, with Mohamed being the most popular name in the world by far, I imagine that they probably just name 4 out of 5 of their kids some form of this name... I get it though, its catchy, its godly, its strong... I imagine that's why there are 19,000 Jesus's bussing tables and mowing lawns these days as well... (Don't be offended by the facts people)... Priests touch boys, Mexicans mow lawns, Asians do nails, Australians ride kangaroos and play with dingos, Black people don't tip, Canadians play hockey and send us annoying musicians but have stellar health care, the french don't shave, and Americans are fat, greedy, and in debt. It's life. Wow, got off track there, I had to make sure I included as many people as I could though.

There is one other category of people who do this type of stuff, but they think they are sneaky with it... I call it the name-morphers, actually I've never called it that before, but it seems fitting, and you believed me so just go with it... These are the people who will not necessarily name their kid after them, but they will somehow morph their name into another name and give that to the kid, Deion Sanders has Deondra, Whitney Houston has Crackhed, and the winner is Jermaine Jackson with Jermajesty... The sad thing is, that only one of those was made up... Now we knew the Jacksons were weird, but you'd think there would be a normal one in the bunch... Clearly not Jermaine... I don't know though... maybe this isn't so bad... I could name my kid Ryandra, he wouldn't get his ass kicked...

11.24.2009

Day 102--- Express Yourself...


I am a little surprised that most of you shared my distaste for Pattinson, I figured by this point he had been able to mesmerize everyone with his glittery pale skin and devilish scowl... Thank God there are still a few of you left who have not yet been bitten... For today's blog I chose another group of individuals that only think about themselves, clearly spawned in America... I speak of the selfish time thieving bastards who get into the 20 item express line with a cart full of items clearly more abundant than the agreed upon maximum amount... Hey, I don't make the rules, but I surely don't break the rules either.

It really chaps my hide when one of these selfish pricks cuts me off with their cart full of goodies. The thing that gets me is that we all know there are only two thoughts that can lead to their decision to get in the express lane... First, is the general neglect to bother counting the items in belief that regardless of how many it looks like, you are important enough to be served through the express line just because you are.... well you... piss ants... Second is the assembly of people who have carefully and calculatingly counted the plethora of items that they have piled in front of them, and then knowingly neglect to admit that they exceed the limit. This is the difference between first degree express line murder, and manslaughter express line murder, the outcome is the same, the difference is in the details.

We have all seen the people who stop and count just short of the register, a quick debate goes on between the men on their shoulders, usually the angel loses this one, they then innocently waltz up to the counter with self justification that they are small items... Well, I'm sorry but the sign above the clerk does not say "20 items or less, unless you are more important than the rest of our shoppers, or have 47 small items". Where I am from 20 items or less means 20 items or less, in the same way that 55 miles per hour means 55 miles per hour, in the same way that no means no, or no means get me more drunk first, OK, that one has some lee-way. Grocery stores need to hire a douche patrol guard that pulls these people over and puts them in the back of the non express line for over evaluating their self importance... This may eventually spread and do away with these cancerous people.

Watching the way that someone checks out at a market really gives you a glimpse into their lives, and their character. I am saying this from years of experience. As a cashier I would always try and keep my mouth shut because of that old shit saying that the customer is always right. luckily for me other customers don't have to follow this same rule... I cant tell you all of the wonderfully exciting times where I got to watch customers have a battle royale right in front of me. You see just because I didn't feel it was right to comment didn't mean that the guy with 3 items stuck behind the guy with 45 items had to keep his mouth shut... This is usually me, although I am not really loud and embarrassing about it, often I will just make quiet sarcastic and snide remarks toward these people just to let them know how everyone feels about them. Things such as "oh, don't worry the rest of us don't have anywhere to go", or " next time if you are having difficulty counting past twenty I'm sure someone could help you. I know that's a really big number for someone like yourself".

All in all these people are simple minded self centered a holes with an inflated self importance and they believe that rules do not apply to them. They are the solo driver in the carpool lane, the sit in the handicapped seat on the bus while the bag lady and cane stand, the only one who ever has anywhere important to be... I have a solution... As my solutions usually are, this one is in its trial run so I expect you guys to give it a try and give me some good feedback... We have all heard of killing with kindness, and that giving is better than receiving, so today's solution combines both of those ideas... Next time one of these people jumps in front of you strike up a friendly conversation with them, they are probably used to people jumping down their throats, they are no doubt veterans to breaking the rules of the express line. Once you have them engaged in conversation whether its about the weather or family they are sure to lower their defenses giving you a window of opportunity to complete your task... Wait for them to be reaching into their cart, basket, wallet, or purse and sneakily add a few more items to the counter... Since they thought it was OK to go over the limit what is a few more things gonna do really... The checkout areas are set up perfect for this, small packs of gum, candy bars, tic-tacs, a TV guide, US weekly, you name it, it is there for impulse buy. If you are quick and sneaky enough this will go over with ease, if not the worst that could happen is they notice and take it off, but at least you tried, and for that I give you an A for attempt!

11.23.2009

Day 101--- Greased Twilghtning...


So now that I have 100 straight days under my belt it is time to stop patting myself on the back and move on towards the next 100 day hurdle... As most of you may already know its not the writing everyday part that is so grueling, but it is the coming up with fresh funny material... While I try and put out a new stroke of genius each day ousting some sort of social misfit, you guys are not always going to agree. But as long as you keep coming back for more, I am happy. Like I mentioned yesterday I'd be switching Celebrity Sunday to Monday for this week, so here it is... Robert Pattinson, don't try and fly away, this is your week in the cross-hairs.

Let me start off by saying that I really don't care much about this guy, but the fact that "New Moon" passed "The Dark Knight's" single day record is appalling to me, so I am gonna do what I always do. Make fun of someone I know virtually zero about in order to make myself feel better for something I can not fix. Honestly, I cant go and attack this guy's personality, partially because I have not seen a single interview he has done, and partially because he seems void of a personality worth commenting on... As far as his looks, I'm really just concerned about the health of his hair, I have heard that it is not good to wash your hair everyday, but this dude has taken this bit of information to the extreme, he looks like he is preparing to reprise the John Travolta's role from "Grease", (that was not intended to be hilarious, just a straight forward plausible possible probable explanation for the state and condition of this guys hair). There has to be some sort of health code violation going on somewhere in there, whats more disappointing is that Kristen Stewart doesn't seem to mind, what does that say about her sanitation concern?
Why is he always moping about like one of his emo fans? I'd be upset as well if I was as shite an actor as him, but luckily for him the people who've watched his movies could care less. Dude you are a millionaire, smile, show that lovely British grill. I understand the idea of falling in love with a character in your favorite book and then being excited once they make it into a movie, why else would I own Jesus Christ Superstar? At least Jesus had talent, I mean I saw "Twilight", Robert's acting is just awkward, the whole time he was on screen I had that feeling you have in a dream when you know that you are naked at school but there is nothing you can do about it... I have seen better acting in cartoons, but I guess when your target audience has never seen a movie rated higher than PG or one made before 1998 they are a bit less judgmental than I am... In his defense I thought he did a superb job in Harry Potter, well, at least I enjoyed watching him die at the end. All I can say is thank God for werewolves, because I don't think I could take another movie solely devoted to this sparkly version of Dracula. I guess that means I'll be going to the newest installment, I'll be sure to update you on my feelings toward his acting after that.

My hope is that once there are no more vampire roles for him left to play that he will crawl back into the hole that he came out of... If he does not I do fully intend on following him around with some garlic, a cross, and a stake, just for a photo op of course :)...

Fun Pattinson Facts:

Owns the rights to the sparkle make-up he wears in the Twilight Series.

First person to need the Twilight books on tape because quote "it was too advanced" for him.

Washes his hair with peanut oil and Febreeze.

Was quoted saying he was glad to finally land a non-fiction role (Twilight) after finding out that Harry Potter was not a true story.

Is actually not dating Kristen Stewart, he just makes out, goes on dates, and lives with people that he babysits.

Learned how to act from watching "The Power Rangers" and "Sesame Street".

Thinks that he will live forever now that he plays a Vampire on TV.

Sleeps in a coffin.



11.22.2009

Day 100--- Tupper-ware...

Wow, so I actually made it through 100 days of blogging everyday... I have to admit that I am impressed with myself, it is not as easy as I thought it would be to try and think of something new to write about everyday that was still worth reading... I also owe a huge thank you to those who have been following me for the first few months, just past a fourth of the way done so I hope that I can keep you guys laughing for the last 3/4 ths of this quest for 365...

With that being said lets get on with day 100 shall we... I know today is "Celebrity Sunday", but I figured I could throw that up on Monday and just do a nice classic complaint blog. I debated long and hard over all of my options but I finally decided that I needed to write about all the plastic people of the world, of course I am referring to those who have had elective cosmetic surgery. Not those who have replacement limbs or things of that sort, I am not that insensitive, plus I have to save them for a future blog.

I am well aware that the modern world is probably split 50/50 in the support of plastic surgery so I am not expecting all of my readers to agree with me, I just hope that the points I bring up are at least valid enough to make you think, or funny enough to give you a laugh... The procedures that I speak of include Botox, tummy tucks, boob jobs, nose jobs, and anything in between. Believe me, I know some of you have messed up faces, but this is why God gave us paper bags and alcohol... This is a much cheaper fix, yes more temporary, but something that you wont have to mortgage your house to pay for. If Lady Gaga, Adrien Brody, and Pinocchio can all deal with the schnoz that they were dealt then I think you will survive. I think I have so much resistance to this stuff because I have never seen a case in which the After picture is better than the Before... It is never not obvious either, people are always like "oh I'm just going to get this small bump filed down," but they usually go from looking like a rhinoceros to a pterodactyl. Then it becomes our job to pretend like we don't notice, its not like a bad hair cut that we can pretend like we don't like and eventually it will grow out. Fake boobies are often crowd pleasers, and I mean that in every sense of the word, but honestly I personally have never been a huge supporter. They may be fun to look at for about 9 seconds, but most of the bearers are as fake on the inside as they are in the bra. I guess until we develop brain implants this will be the route they go to help them contribute to society... If you something to pump your self esteem just give me the $10,000 and your cellphone number and I can text you compliments all day. Hey, don't shoot this idea down, some of them just want to be loved..
What about these people with lypo and tummy tucks, this is just another way that America has proven to me that we are the fattest laziest bunch around... There are people in dozens of countries around the world that cant get a bite of food in a day, and we have people who have to staple their stomach to remind them to eat less... Because the 8th chin they developed is not reminder enough... We are just plain lazy, I don't want to walk around the block or eat healthy, so can you just use that big fat sucking vacuum to get it out of me, to make room for this fried chicken... When will the madness end?

Botox, oh boy isn't this stuff fun... this is the quick fix of all quick fixes. When you want to look 10 years younger or 10 times more like a creepy doll this is the way to go... Just a few injections and you will permanently look like you are skydiving. I get annoyed when I have something stuck in my teeth, I cant imagine what it must feel like to have something stuck in my skin. Its horrible, it always reminds me of when I was a little kid and I was making some nasty face, my mom would say keep making that face and its gonna stick like that... Well I guess these people didn't listen to my mom. I hear smiling burns like 10 calories an hour, so apparently they can burn around a hundred in a good nights rest. It's a good thing Marilyn Monroe didn't have access to this stuff or we would have wound up trailing that mole all over her face. Hopefully these people like the faces they are making when they get Botox, because unlike a bad drivers license picture you really cant keep your face hidden all the time... This may be why Muslim women are always covered, maybe at some point in history the United States secretly practiced procedures on them, I wouldn't put it past us...

I hear this stuff can be addictive too, like a tattoo or coke or something. There are many examples that prove this to be true most of them are on Bravo TV shows, one of them liked to sing and dance and touch little boys before he passed away earlier this year, and no I am not talking about Patrick Swayze... This last person has been doing it for years, and is honestly the one that I am the most concerned about... He has changed his nose, his eyes, his lips, his teeth, his ears, and his feet, the list goes on and on... He has the quickest recovery time also, which is shocking due to the fact that most of his procedures are done by amateurs... It really is amazing that he is still around, but because he is I am dedicating this blog to him... Ladies and gentlemen, please take your hats off for Mr. Potato Head...

I am going to leave you with a story/ joke I heard in the news that I think is a very fitting way to end this blog...

I am not sure if you guys all followed the news around the time of Michael Jackson's death. There was a lot of confusion about what should be done with his body. Between family, fans, doctors, and so on he was being pulled in all directions. It really was a sad way to go out, the stories kind of died out after a few weeks so I am not sure if a lot of you got to hear what they ended up doing with it... I imagine you wouldn't have if you had better things to do, anyways... They ended up melting his body down and turning it into Lego's so little boys could play with him for once.... Heyo!... Had to do it...

11.21.2009

Day 99--- Vacancy...

What is up? Me, barely its 4:30 in the morning perfect time to write my blog, as I fall asleep. In my defense Ive had quite the busy day. No less than 4 hours of Internet TV, mainly consumed by shows with Chef Ramsay (Kitchen Nightmare's or Hell's Kitchen)... Followed by a nice casserole dinner at ma lady's grandparents house, topped off with the movie "The Island" which I highly recommend... Especially if you were thinking about purchasing a clone, they have feelings too you know... Anyways there was no real point to me telling you about my day, but sometimes I feel good about giving you a peek inside. Today I have chosen to write about those people who use the last of something and do nothing to fix it...

I have not thought of a nickname for them yet, but I am sure that I'll have something by the time I finish writing... You know who I am talking about right? The person who will use the last of the milk, or the juice, or the toilet paper and then just put the carton back in the fridge with a drop left or leave the roll next to the toilet paperless. It is the worst feeling in the world to have made a peanut butter sandwich and go to pour a nice cold glass of milk, but instead you pick up a weightless empty container. The second worse feeling is realize you are sitting next to an empty paper roll when you are half way through taking the kids to the pool... Some serious decisions need to be made in the next few moments that can tell a lot about a persons character, integrity, and sanitation skills... How many times have you had to run to the hall closet or the other bathroom in your house with your pants around your ankles? Its not a pretty picture, but it is certainly better than the one you'd paint on the inside of your pants if you were out when this happened.... Just saying... Being out on a date is about the worst place that you can be affected by one of these dunces. Really, what do you do in a situation like that? I am fearing the day that this may happen to me.

These people really do suck though, plain and simple, I think it starts out that they lack manners but it really comes down to laziness... There is typically no way to spot these people until it is too late either, which makes them very difficult to catch and stop... The only way you can really narrow down a culprit if it is someone you are living with is to watch for signs. Speaking of which I'm looking for the EXIT sign right now, the brain is not functioning... Until next time, make sure to check for t.p. in the toilet before you let these guys spoil it...

11.20.2009

Day 98--- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtlenecks...



I feel like it has been far too long since I have forced my fashion sense onto my readers. I know that I am your go to guy for style pointers so I sincerely apologize for my recent drought. Have no fear though, because Ryan is back with advice more fresh than a Mentos, in a new car, next to clean laundry, sprayed by Febreze, on top of a recently cut lemon... Let me tell you ladies and gentleman, that is fresh. My fashion know how has been described in many descriptive words such as, sharp, classy, divine, hopeless, homeless, and cheap... All the more reason to heed my advice and not fall into the category of people who wear turtle necks...

I dont care who you are, dont care where youre from, dont care what you did, as long as you dont wear a turtle neck. I dont know if this form of clothing holds the same name worldwide but it is pretty easy to grasp. It is a piece of outerwear that looks like a long sleeve shirt has thrown up extra fabric toward the wearer's head. It is as shameful to the the clothing world as mullets are to the hair world, T.J. Maxx is to the clothing world, Tyson is to the boxing world, Whitney is to the music world, and Lady GaGa is to the Rhinoplasty world... These shirts are such an embarrassment to the clothing industry that even other clothing has found the need to make fun of it----> "mock turtleneck" <---- get it??? These shirts are so bad they could make Brad Pitt look bad enough to have to go back to Aniston. I have pledged that when I am cremated when my life as through that I will be wearing a turtleneck, for 2 reasons, 1. So that the words "I will only wear one over my dead body" will be true, and 2. So that I can rid the world from one more turtleneck. (I'm a crafty fella).

I am historically almost positive that the invention of the scarf was solely to try and alienate the t.n. I've abbreviated it because I was getting sick of spelling out turtleneck every time, shit! I've gone and done it anyways. Turtle necks are so awful that even Marilyn Manson is creeped out by the people that wear them. The only people I still see wearing them are the red necks of the world, but we all know they don't count as real people anyways. Some speculate they wear them just to cover up the actual redness in their necks, this has not been confirmed. T.n.'s make V necks and leather pants look like Rocky and Rambo. In 2009 you would have to be gayer than Tim Gunn sitting on Elton Johns piano chair reading Cosmo to actually leave your house wearing a t.n.. Ladies, if you ever see a guy out in a t.n. you can not automatically assume that he is gay, although the chances are about 97-99% I do not support stereotyping and profiling. So other than being gay you could also assume that he is married, these sort of people usually completely stop caring about their appearance. Even homeless people are too prideful to put one on, and they pee pee their pants. Even the tourists with fanny packs and sandal socks know better, come on America, get a grip....

For the end I have decided to include a list of times that it is acceptable to wear a turtleneck:

1. Never

11.19.2009

Day 97--- Kibbles & S%!t...


I am aware that I have done one or two blogs that rip on stupid pet owners, but there are some people that are just begging to be written about... I fully understand loving your animal, however as much as you love them they are still animals. This is why I am here to speak out against the morons who find it necessary to push their dogs around in strollers made for children.

As I write this I hope and pray that this is something that has only infected the U.S. and is not something that my blogging friends over seas have to endure... We are a nation in which 8 out of 10 families is so deep in debt that they can probably spend their paychecks faster than they could burn them. Yet somehow have enough disposable income to purchase dog strollers. We are also one of the fattest and laziest nations of the world which you can tell is something we are trying to infect our dogs with as well... Never mind the fact that we dress them up in clothes more expensive than I wear, but now we are actually taking away one of the only things they can actually do; walking. As I have said before, I am an animal lover, I don't support any sort of animal cruelty (other than the typical decapitating or shooting that lands them on my plate. I personally think it is more cruel to stick a dog in a stroller, this is animal embarrassment, how do you think all the other dogs at the dog park view ol' Rex when he rolls up in a Maclaren. You know who is getting pissed on when no one is watching.
You know you live in a backward land when there are people who put their children on leashes and their dogs in strollers. What the hell is wrong with these people, I mean I don't think the dog who just got done eating his own poo, drinking pool water, and then tossing his salad, is going to mind getting his feet dirty on a walk around the block... I could be wrong, but to me this is kind of like if a lady of the night insisted on her John washing his hands before sex, certain things just become irrelevant at that point. As much as these people are unwilling to admit it, I believe that these are the beginning steps of beasteality. First you let the dog kiss you in the mouth, then you dress it up, next you purify its water, buy it a stroller, stroke its hair, take it for long walks on the beach, tell it secrets you haven't told anyone else, give it alcohol, let it sleep on the bed with you, the signs are all there.

When will this madness end? I'm being serious, when are we going to stop treating animals better than we do other humans? I'm not saying they need to be treated worse, but they certainly do not need to be treated better. I think this people need to get a grip and focus on what is important, I mean shit send some money to Africa if you cant come up with anything else. Pay off your debt, find something else to do with all this extra money you have laying around other than buying a dog stroller for a dog that can walk just fine... If you guys don't shape up I am personally going to release a hungry Asian man in each and every one of your neighborhoods, then we will see them run...

11.18.2009

Day 96--- Anime-niacs...


I have a confession to make to all of you out there, before I started blogging I had this erroneous idea that all those who blogged were huge dorks. While it is true that a good 50% of them are I have learned that the world of blogging is filled with plenty of normal people almost as cool as myself. However I still firmly believe that the next group of people is over flowing with dorks. Do I know every single person who falls into this category? No, am I going to make a blanket assumption that may be offensive and rude? Yes, but the law of stereotypes states that if you have met at least 3 people that fit "the stereotype", you are more than welcome to judge. So without further explanation, I would like to call the anime lovers of the world away from the computer screen and into the light.

First of all, I will say to each his own, there are certain things that I will never be able to wrap my head around. Sure I was into cartoons when I was a kid, but just like pissing the bed that hobby died with my graduation of the 8th grade. I realize that anime has more adult themed shows than Saturday morning cartoons, and therefore anime-niacs may believe they are a little more sophisticated. But this is just a clever excuse the "30 and Over Still Living With Mother" organization came up with. This is like if I tried to convince people that drawing in a coloring book with Tonka Trucks is more sophisticated than a coloring book with Dora the Explorer, no one is going to believe me when I am sitting there with a crayon in my hand. I don't think I would be as angry if they would just admit that anime is a form of cartoon and stop pretending that it gives them special powers. I have far less to talk about when people actually admit their addiction.

I have met people who actually have learned Japanese so that they could understand what is being said on these programs. While I completely admire their dedication I just feel as though that focus could be put to curing cancer rather than understanding Naruto. I mean, I want to know what they are saying on Telemundo but you don't see me rushing out to take Spanish classes. I think my biggest turn off or bone to pick is with a specific category of anime. If you don't know where I am going with this already it is time to take the parent lock off of your computer and clear the cookies once you're done. Yes, that's right I am referring to the anime porn industry. This is one of the most mind blowing phenomenon's that this simple kind of man has ever encountered. Not by choice. This of course means that if there are thousands of these types of videos out there, sickly there must be a large enough group of people that support or follow it... It disturbs me to think that someone I may know actually kaleid's the scope to a cartoon woman/en. I cannot be the only person who finds this a tad unsettling, I'm not saying I am perfect or even normal but at least everything I like lives, breathes, and walks on 2-4 feet... kidding bout the 4... This is just a smidge weird don't you think? (smidge= shit ton)... I'm truly sorry if any of my readers are into this stuff, but I think its time you laid off the cartoons, and possibly found some... help... If I have less followers tomorrow, I guess I'll know how many of you watch it...

Parents, I guess you guys can breathe a small sigh of relief if you ever find any of this stuff in your kids room. The reason being you can pretty much guarantee that they are still virgins and are gonna be for a while. The downside once again is that they may end up holding the National World of Warcraft convention in your basement every year til they are at least thirty... All in all they are a pretty nice group of people, at least to me, at least up until they read this, just don't leave them alone with a coloring book or you may find it a little harder to open in the future...

11.17.2009

Day 95--- "It Could Happen to You"...


How is everyone feeling today? Good? Awesome? Fantastic. Me too! Why you ask, oh well that's easy. I feel great because I spent the day doing nothing but watching countless hours of reality TV. This stuff is a great way to make you feel like you have the most normal, least complicated life on the planet. I've found a new show that I am going to be obsessed with called Tabatha's Salon Takeover, if you have never seen this, it is a must watch. For no other reason than because I say so. One of the first shows I watched today became my inspiration for today's blog. It was called "The Curse of the Lottery", and the people I am going to write about are the idiots that win large sums of money in the lottery and lose it within years...

I don't know if this is always true, but from what this show portrayed I think that it is a requirement to have a mullet, at least 3 missing teeth, a southern accent, and a police record to even be eligible to play the lottery in the U.S.A.. I did not see one winner on the show with more than a 6Th grade reading level, and probably a 3rd grade math level. Some of them spoke such poor English in fact that at times they provided subtitles... Giving these people millions of dollars is like having Stevie Wonder give you a haircut, the results are not going to be pretty. There is a reason that most of them are poor in the first place, and I imagine it starts with the inability to handle/control their finances. This is the type of person that finds it wise to spend $20-40 a week on lottery tickets while they are eating Top Ramen and rabbit meat for every meal, (and I assure you that comment was not supposed to be condescending to the Ramen)... After watching this show I was seriously starting to wonder if the whole Lotto system was some sort of set up where they find the least fit/capable/smart people and somehow allow them to win. Then once they have won they make bets to how fast their lives will fall apart, how fast they can spend it, or how fast they can exile people from their lives.


Some of the people started off seeming like they had a brains, for instance this one guy who won 16 million. He chose not to get the lump sum, he was gonna take something like $550k a year for 25 years after taxes, I thought to myself ah, finally a smart one. Not! The guy managed to spend $400,000.00 within the first 2 weeks, he bought a jet, a house, and something like 35 cars (this was in 88' so I guess that stuff was a bit cheaper then)... There are these groups that will re'offer the winners a smaller lump sum in exchange for their extended payout. They pretty much exist to bail out these idiots when they end up in debt after a month... There was more to this guys story, but basically he ended up selling his 25 years, his 16 million, for 2.1 million after 2 years just to pay off debt. SO essentially he went from broke, to 16 million, back to MC Hammer broke within 3 years and some change... Now that is impressive... The stories don't stop their but I wont go too much into detail. I will tell you there is a lot of drug abuse, a few robberies, even more deaths, John Deer Tractors, stuffed deer heads and certainly not enough veneers, investing, books, educational advances, or mullet trims. Don't be fooled by the rocks that they got, they're still, they're still Jethro from the block. Each and everyone just like the Clampetts, except for the Clampetts managed to keep their money.
I realize this may be one of those programs or situations that you had to see or experience to get the full effect. But I tell you right now these stories really did something to me... I'm thinking about setting up a business where I just hunt down hick lotto winners and become somewhat of an agent or financial advisor. I wont use big words like that to them though, or they would never understand, but I tell you right now I will be the Jerry Maguire of the mullet lottery world. Save them from themselves. At the very least I am going to write some sort of book or movie based on a fictional one of these characters, its too exciting not to be written. I could even have my own reality show that just follows these people around as they buy giant stuffed bears and Dale Earnhardt (Nascar) paintings.... All this stuff is now Copyrighted and Trademarked so don't even try stealing my ideas :)...

I'm just upset that I'm going to go to bed and dream that I have millions of dollars and then wake up poor again tomorrow, those dreams are the worst. Even worse than waking up in the middle of $3x dreams... But hey, at least I have my teeth ;D...

11.16.2009

Day 94--- Talking Heads...


Today is one of those days where I just feel like curling up by the fireplace with a carton of ice cream and watching Sex and the City and not having to be creative. But since I know half of you guys would probably hang yourselves without your daily dose of my crap I'll pull myself together and make the ladies wait for another night. As you have learned over the past few months there are clearly a vast amount of people that annoy me in one form or another. Today I am going to introduce you to a small group of individuals that are will definitely make the top ten for the year. Newscasters.

If there is one set of people that I just want to punch square in the face it would be this smiley bunch of morons. First of all, I don't really like the news in general because these days it is never any good news, always some new disease or someone being robbed or killed, not the type of news I want to be given. Especially not when it is being delivered by some bleached toothed, slick haired, clean shaved, suit wearing toolbox. I honestly cant put my finger on what it is that irks me so much about these people. I think part of it has to do with how fake they seem, and fake people annoy me. Most of them just seem like empty shells of human. It might also have to do with how smiley they are, even when they are giving bad news they just have those big smiles on. Maybe its that some of them will try and make their own little jokes after they say something and they honestly never seem to make me laugh. Maybe it's that they usually have no idea what they are talking about on most given topics, they just read the prompter. It's pretty sad when the smartest guy in the room is the one talking about sports... Maybe its the voices that they talk in to deliver the news, I cant think of how to describe it via blog, but we all know what I am talking about. Maybe its because I feel like one day the government will use them to try and brainwash the masses. I don't know exactly what it is, but I hate them.

I would almost venture to say that I have a fear of these robots, maybe it is an irrational fear, but so is the fear of cotton swabs, and I've seen that on TV before. I feel like these are the type of people who act all happy in front of groups of people but then one day they snap and murder their entire family. Their job is like being stuck in fame purgatory, because they are seen daily by thousands, maybe millions of people, they would be recognized in public, but no one really cares. No one wants an autograph, no one is texting their friends pictures of them, its like you made it, but you didn't really MAKE it. Their lives are like a constant one hit wonder of TV form. They are informational not entertaining. They are to their city what the kid who read the morning announcements was to an Elementary school. People knew who you were but they didn't care. Maybe I am the only person in the history of the world who has thought this in depth about how much they suck, but that's what I do I guess. Hey, I mean they did make a movie called "The Weatherman" with Nick Cage, if a weatherman is noteworthy the newscaster should be too. True, it was Nick Cage so probably not a whole lot of people cared.
I know the movie "Anchorman" was a joke, but I feel like the way Will portrayed their lack of common sense and their shallowness must have been pretty dead on. Perhaps I have just lived in places with really douchey seeming people, maybe there are some really swell news-givers out there who are as normal as a buttplug at a Cher concert. Maybe I have just been cursed with the annoying catch phrases or personal slogans. But if at least one of my readers agrees with me then I'll consider this a success.

Signing off
Until Next time
peace in the middle east
and thats the way the cookie crumbles
Just the way you like it
Ryan.

11.15.2009

Day 93--- Pal-in the Ass...


This week I was sure not to forget what day of the week it was so I could write my ever popular celebrity Sunday blog. Like I have said before I use the word celebrity very loosely when selecting a victim, they can be a anything from a superstar to just a well known public annoyance. With that being said, today is about someone who can fall in to either category. Sarah Palin.

Her name gives you chills doesn't it? To think that just over a year ago this woman was in the running to be the Vice President of the United States still does not feel real. One minute she is being tossed out of PTA meetings and parent teacher conferences, and the next minute she is tooling around on the campaign trail with McCain, what a life. The other women from Partylite and Bunko must be so proud, hopefully they don't start thinking that they can run the country as well though. Who would be there to bake cookies and drive the kids to soccer?... Without mom's like Palin at home soccer in this country would become even less popular, if that is possible (we would still find a way to make cookies though, believe me). I don't hate Sarah Palin at all, I really don't, I just think every press conference with her would have felt like she was trying to sell me Mary Kay or some Tupperware. Trust me this is not a sexist statement either, if it would have been Hillary as much as I dislike her I would have at least taken her seriously, I mean that broad has balls. Literally, they are in a jar on her desk marked "Bill's Ball's"... OK, maybe this blog is gonna be a tad sexist but deal with it, its still true and funny. (PS. I apologize for having no Alaska jokes, but honestly Alaska is just not that funny.)

Lets try and look at the what if... the what if Palin had ended up in Washington.

-For starters, she is probably great with a calendar and a dry erase board, so the president would never have missed any appointments. In fact if she were there I'm sure a lot more would have been done in the past year than has been done with O-bomb-a. Even if the only thing she did was complain that her nose and hands were cold at least she would have gotten the heater fixed, pretty sure O-man would even have problems with that.
-She could have checked the temperature of everyone on her staff, that would save thousands in medical bills.
-She could have gotten Tina Fey back on SNL a few more times to mock all of the dumb stuff she surely would have said.
-She could carry the Secret Service's guns in her purse.
-She could cut out coupons, watch for sales, and do the grocery shopping, surely save some money there.
-She could decorate for all the holidays, I hear she is especially talented with Christmas lights. --If the limo driver gets lost she could help out from the back seat, we all know how great ladies are with directions.
-She would help re-decorate the White House by taking down all those ugly old pictures of dead presidents and putting up Thomas Kinkade and Andy Warhol paintings.
-She will be the one to let us know once and for all if National Treasure was fact or fiction.
-She certainly wouldn't have taken away our guns, considering she probably has one strapped up under the seat of her pick-up.
-She would have implemented a plan that would allow you to put your taxes on lay-away.
-She also would send out cookies to all of the people who didn't get a refund, just to make you smile..... Man, come to think of it, it might have been a good idea to vote John and her into office.

She has been fairly quiet this year, possibly because she has been working on this book of hers, but also possibly because she has like 14 kids to take care of. She is releasing her book 'Going Rogue' sometime soon if she hasn't already. I could have looked it up, but I'm not all that interested and I didn't figure you would be either. I am not positive what it is about either, possibly a recipe book, or maybe it is about the X-Men, I'll let you know if i hear anything. There has been some speculation that she may run for office in 2012, it would be fun to watch her and Hilary pull each others hair wouldn't it. Personally I think they should just give her a a daytime talk show, or at least a spot on Dancing With the Stars or maybe something on the Food Network, isn't that what they do with the rest of these annoying biatchas??? :)


11.14.2009

Day 92--- Simma Down Now...


Today is a blog that will only relate to those who have either lived in an apartment building, a 2+ family home, or anywhere that you have had someone living above you. This is of course because the group that I am bringing into the spotlight today is the "upstairs neighbors". Someone had to do it. I realize that not all upstairs neighbors are as heinous as the ones that I am calling into attention, but I'd say its a good 79.973% of them, sorry if you are a quiet upstair-er.

How is it that everywhere I have lived I have managed to live below either a herd of elephants, a construction worker, or the entire cast of "Stomp" ? I swear to you I have never lived where I actually had to guess which room they were in, since they pretty much always run from room I have a pretty good idea where they are and what they are doing at all times. I have always imagined it would be a fun game to try and guess where your neighbors were, I've been deprived.

This was the worst when I lived in NYC, holy crapfest, first of all I lived in midtown Manhattan, where for $2,000 a month you get a very small one bedroom place. So if my ear sore from the floor above was home, I could pretty much hear him where ever he was. It's not like I could hide from his ruckus by changing rooms, when your apartment is only about 250 sq. feet big there are not many places TO go. The dude who lived above me was some little Asian man, but you wouldn't have guessed by listening, as little as he was he made up for it in loudness. To this day I do not know what he was doing up there at 7 or 8 am everyday, but it sounded a hell of a lot like sawing. Sounded like he was building the Ark up the there, or having his own version of extreme home make over. Now, I don't know if he was actually sawing, but I mean, I know what a saw sounds like and I still have not come up with a better explanation. There were other days where it sounded like he would just pace back and forth, for at least an hour without stopping, our apartments were only about 22 feet long total, seems to me like it'd be just as much exercise to walk around the block once, but apparently he didn't. I mean, I would have understood if he wanted to practice Karate or something like that, but the pacing and the sawing really got to me.

I am now visiting my girlfriend in Milwaukee (represent!) and her upstairs neighbors love vacuuming, and by love it, I mean they looooove it. The strangest part about it is that I'm pretty sure they have wood floors, I think I am going to get them a Swiffer Wet Jet for Christmas. I think they may also have races up and down the hallway, there is no conclusive evidence at this time, maybe they all just like to go for power walks like my old neighbor.

For once I want to be this upstairs neighbor. I want to be the one that causes someone to stand on their bed and bang the ceiling with a broom until I shut up. I want to be the one that someone writes a blog about. I want revenge... Well, I guess its not really revenge unless I somehow get to move into the apartment above them, and then I don't think it would be worth it after I have to climb that many flights of stairs. I guess if I did it to someone else, that doesn't really fit the eye for an eye theory, that'd be like if you took my eye and I went and stole some random persons eye, oh man they would be so confused wouldn't they. ha ha. (You just lost I.Q. points for reading that.)

You know what else I could do, I could cut a hole up through the ground while they are gone one day, and then cover it with cardboard and leaves, wait maybe a rug would work better, I'm used to doing this outside... It works ladies and gentleman, I'm gonna feel like Kevin Mc Callister when they come crashing through and land in my living room. I wonder if that would screw up my chances at getting my deposit back.
Its really annoying when they still do it after you have had a polite conversation with them about it too. Well, even though that usually comes after the broom banging and the passive aggressive notes left on their door, but still. Disrespect.

I guess that about covers it. Does anyone have anything to add? Any loud neighbor stories? Scoman come on, don't give me the live alone bit again, unless you are out in the middle of the forest you must have had some experience with these guys.

PS. I stole this picture, thats not really me. I don't have a blue couch.

11.13.2009

Day 91--- Dip Sh!t...


Well, here is a threat and a half... These are the type of people that you would like to have locked up for years on end without bail... without bail and without parole in fact. The group I speak of today are the double dippers of the earth.

This guys run as camo as the space invaders. You never know when one of these freaks of nature will climb out of the abyss to double pump a Tostito in the nearest dip.

What exactly constitutes double dipping? That may be one of the most popular questions of the century... Does it count as a double dip if you have rotated the chip? Because if so I think many of us are guilty where we stand... If a rotation does not count that could change the whole double dipping scene...

I watched an episode of MythBusters in which they proved that double dipping actually caused no more bacteria than a first and second dip from a non touched chip. This is shocking information that may be pivotal to the double dip witch hunts of the world. People in my life have been so quick to judge for the simplest double dip, but now that I know I bring no extra harm to the table will I really feel as guilty with a sneak attack? I am one of those people that likes more dip than chip, so if I pull back a half eaten chip that feels void of some dip you had better believe I am going to warm it up with a second round... I will look around the room just to see if I am being watched, I will rotate the chip from the already bitten area. Once I am sure that the coast is clear I re-dip that chip as proudly as a mother on the first day of school... Typically I am sly enough to ensure that no one has noticed my re-dive, but if they have I am sure to shoot them back a look of confidence that lets them know I am here to stay.

I'll be honest, this is the way that you have to be when you are involved with a chip there is no pussy-footing around a second helping of toppings for that chip. Whether it is salsa or guac you need to fly in un-inhabited as Amelia Earhart on her world voyage.

OK, My blogger is acting a fool, I'm gonna post this now and check back tomorrow!
Related Posts with Thumbnails