10.31.2009

Day 78--- Trick or Trick....



It's Halloween, so I decided I would write something themed in that direction. There are a million things Halloweenish that I could write about but I wanted to choose the most obscure thing that I could think of... After minimal deliberation I decided that I would write about the douches that give out everything other than good candy for Halloween....

If you have been trick or treating a day in your life you have definitely been on the losing end of this deal. Tricking and treating is supposed to be a joyous experience filled with lots and lots of tooth rotting cavity causing goodies. Unfortunately there are some people who think that they can change the course of Halloween by giving out their damn sugar free candy and apples. (fun fact: candied apples was the original "candy of choice" until rumors of hidden razors stopped that trend). A rumor no doubt started by candy companies themselves. These candy hippies are the people that end up getting egged and toilet papered at the end of the night due to bad candy giving etiquette...
You wouldn't give out Easter eggs on Christmas, you don't shoot off fireworks when you lose a tooth, and you don't open presents on New Years. So what the hell makes people think that it is kosher to hand out tooth brushes, and breath mints on Halloween. I get the correlation, and your concern for my teeth, but it is my parents job to monitor my sweetness intake, not the concern of my neighbor down the street. (Give me good candy or I'll poop in your yard). I don't care if you are a dentist, I'll eat a buttload of sugar and then remember to floss.

If you have ever lived in an ethnically diverse neighborhood then you have no doubt received an unacceptable portion of candy that you have never even seen before, candy that has names you can not even pronounce. All sorts of Asian or Mexican candies were popular in my neighborhood when I lived in Texas, cant imagine why.
I've also gotten an abundance of candy that looks like it was home made, the popular ones were those little toffee looking things in the clear plastic wrap. Yes, the ones that my parents would make me separate out and throw away as soon as I dumped out my pillowcase full of loot. Looking back this stuff was no doubt made by the neighborhood child molester, who else would rather make candy at home than run down to Wal-Mart where they are like a dollar a bag.

I decided to make a list for all of you who are not sure what types of candy are acceptable for children these days... Future child molesters, promise not to use this list to your advantage.

Chocolate Category:
Snickers (chocolatey goodness, with nuts)
Kit-Kat (break me off a piece)
Twix (this is the perfect amount of heaven and angel-dust, not the drug)
M&M's (the only talking candy)
Baby Ruth (also looks like doo doo if let loose into a pool)
Nestle Crunch (I'm a fan of the crunch)
Milky Way (caramel and heaven)
Butterfinger (for those who need some fingers in their life)

Non Chocolate:
Skittles (taste the rainbow)
Twizzlers (if you bite both ends you can drink through them)
Starburst ( also can be used to pull out teeth, or chip them if they are cold)
Swedish Fish (the only thing tasty the Swiss ever gave us, o wait no the cheese too)
Nerds (one of my favorites! especially if you get the box with 2 flavors)
Bottle Caps (flavored alka seltzer)
Bubblicious (the real way to blow a bubble)
Gobstoppers (this is the code name for tooth breakers)
Jolly Ranchers (even though they always cut my tongue)
Pixy Sticks (no quicker way to get sugar into your blood stream)
War Heads ( this will make you do the O face)
Blow Pops (most popular amongst molesters)
Runts (the best way to get your daily dose of fruit)
Smarties (you have to eat them all at once, its a rule)
Sprees (they are like smarties big brother)
Jelly Beans (guess the flavors)
Hot tamales (only hot if you are a puss)
Add any you can think of... Happy Halloween.

10.30.2009

Day 77--- Bad Housekeeping...


I don't have a whole lot of time to write today so I am going to try and make this one short and sweet. The inspiration for today's blog was simple to choose due to them being the ones who woke me up this morning.... If you guessed house-keeping then you are correct.

For the most part hotel house keepers are pretty cool, they will clean up any mess that you make and you don't even have to leave a tip. Its just their job. You forget to flush, they have to deal with it. You clog, they've got your back. You vomit on the floor, no worries we'll be right there sir... So for all of this I thank you.

But, when you come knocking at my hotel room at 7 am, our relationship changes a little bit. Being on vacation typically means that people are sleeping in, not trying to get up as early as they do on a daily basis. I realize the schedule is probably up to the hotel, and I do understand the concept of the Do Not Disturb sign. But maybe I forgot to put that out, so I'm gonna complain.

Also I have seen one too many stories about how the house-keepers in certain hotels have sticky fingers. I don't think that I have ever had anything taken, I'm not really a jewelry person. But who knows maybe a pair of my underwear have gone missing that I just didn't notice... Someone must be stealing them, with the success of this blog I'm sure people could get some good money on Ebay for my trousers.

Anyways, I gotta go we are going to Knottsberry Farm for Halloween and my mom is freaking out that we are gonna be late for dinner... So that is my excuse for a below par blog.... I know its not up to my normal standards but when you have to write everyday it gets kind of hard... excuses excuses...

10.29.2009

Day 76--- Some Where Over Your Shoulder...


Anyone who has ever drove around a car full of passengers has certainly had an encounter or two with this next individual "the back-seat driver"... They may normally be the most timid people you know, but as soon as you are chauffeuring them around they transform into a walking talking Google map OnStar* godless creature. It's totally a Jekyll and Hyde situation in my experiences.

Help is not bad in certain situations, for instance, when it is asked for, but unwanted help can be more annoying than not getting help when you need it... wrap your brain around that. When I am going from a point a to a point b that I have traveled a hundred times your sidekick expertise is not necessary and most definitely unwanted. I passed my student driving test when I was 16 and even then it was annoying to have someone telling me how to drive. But that dude had a bit more of a say considering he had a back up break on his side of the car, and of course the fact that he pretty much held my future driving freedom in his hands.

In my studies I've noticed that there are at least two different levels or classifications of back seat drivers.

First, there are the direction nazi's, those people who always think/know that their way is the best way to go. Whether it is a long distance or short distance trip they always seem to know all the back roads, right turns, and traffic trends for whatever area you are in... I've even had experiences with these people in cars equipped with a GPS system and they have the balls to argue with the GPS machine... They will sit and argue with a a satellite driven computer whose sole purpose is to give proper directions... This is like if i were to walk into an operating room and try to tell a brain surgeon (possibly Derek Shepherd) that my experience with brain freezes,5 seasons of Greys Anatomy and Scrubs, and winning Operation when I was 9 out qualifies his 25 years of school, residency, and experience... It's just wrong.

The second type of back-seat driver is the one who just blurts out orders, personally I think this person is a bit more annoying than the first, and a lot less helpful... I can tune out someone suggesting to take Shea down to Frank Lloyd Wright rather than the 101 freeway. However it is hard to tune out someone yelling "PASS them" or "get over" or "slow down" or any number of prefabricated blurts that they always yell out... This is also the more dangerous one to drive with because when you are not expecting someone to yell in your ear it can be quite startling... Some of them, if they have made their way to the passenger seat, will even grab your arm or reach across your chest. Hello, this is not a video game, this is a moving vehicle, might not be the smartest thing to do... I have even seen people who will grab the wheel, luckily no one has produced balls enough to do this to me. I assure you if they do they will be walking the rest of the way home...

The most successful way I have found to end this problem is to sneakily undo their seat belt and slam on the brakes, results will vary depending on how fast you are going... It's pretty fun regardless. If they are being really annoying and you dont mind replacing your wind shield I recommend accelerating first and then hitting the breaks to the point of screeching, just make sure there are no cars behind you. If you have done it correctly I promise you will have removed the problem... I learned this trick when I was just wee lad, my mom had perfected the skill of brake slamming, if we were ever acting up in the back seat she would just slam and we knew she meant business. She was extremely proud of herself when she also caught us without our belts on and we rammed into the seat back in front of us... I should mention that I only recommend this if you are willing to lose a friend or two, so practice with caution...

10.28.2009

Day 75--- Speedon't...


I was looking through some pictures from this summer on my camera today and came across one of those pictures that was funny at the time, but months later you are like why the hell did I think this was necessary to capture on film. Come to think of it about half of the pictures I take are non-kodak moments. I guess in the age of digital cameras we don't really have to be too stingy about what we take, so thank God for that technology. Anyways my inspiration for today's blog comes from a day at Coney Island, I was just minding my business on the beach with some friends when out of nowhere appeared "speedo man".

We all know this guy, the one who invades our privacy by giving up too much of his, no beach on earth is stranger to this fellow. I understand this is commonplace in the South of France or some Greek Isle, but on a Puerto Rican packed beach 50 feet from a fairground and 10 miles from Manhattan, I'd ask that you please refrain from putting the snake on exhibit. None of these guys are J. Crew models either, they are typically built like a mixture of Robin Williams and Mario (no not the singer the one from Nintendo). Old, overweight, underplayed, hairy, and 9.3 times out of 10 Italian through and through.

They seem to find all sorts of reasons to bend over too, or do any sort of stretching while there just to make sure they are noticed. Or they think it will make them appear to have more luggage than typically allowed in the over head compartment. To continue getting as much attention as they can they start doing Yoga there on their beach towel, and somehow end up posed in the "bridge" position for an ungodly amount of time (ungodly and unmanly).

We know they are only wearing the speedo for attention too, why else would they be out on an overcast day, alone, wearing next to nothing, and asking every single girl who passes to lotion them up. If the girls were not freaked out by the gerbil that is trying to escape their pants then they would probably be worried about getting caught in the web of permed back hair.

To Whom it May Concern:
I know you guys are under the false impression that you are gonna be stylin like "the Hoff", score droves of chicks, and then take them all back to your big, circular, rotating, suede bed. But you are more likely to end your day at the beach entering your name in a sex felon registry than with a girl on each arm. This is not the movies Mr. Powers. This is reality, and the reality is that when people walk by and point they are not saying/thinking hey look at that stud, they are saying hey look at that hairy, permed, jackass in the yellow speedo. If people are taking pictures with you it is not because they want to take you home to mom and dad, its because they've just found their new hilarious Facebook profile picture.

So if anyone who stumbles across my blog is a Speedo wearin mofo I hope that you have learned from this experience that we had today. If not, I have included a list of a few places that it is acceptable to wear the short suit. If anyone has any places to add feel free to post them in the comments and I'll be sure to consider adding it to my list.




List of places Speedo's are acceptable (don't deviate):
1. Home
2. Europe
3. The gym
4. The Olympics
5. The Seventies
6. Jail/Prison

10.27.2009

Day 74--- Tiffany & Co.@k$...

So I have not had to deal with today's group for some time now, but for one reason or another they crossed my mind today. I have chosen specifically the rude Tiffany & Co. employees, but really this is probably the case for any employee who works at some fancy schmancy jeweler or retail store.

When I lived in NYC anytime I had friends or family in town I would give them a tour of the city. In fact I could walk you to all of the proper destinations from the top of central park to the tip of battery park throughout the course of one day. Obviously Tiffany & Co. on 5th avenue is a must, especially if my company was female. Over 5 years living in the city you can only imagine how many times I had to go look at all the shiny pretty things I could not afford. Anyways, the reason I've chosen their employees is simple, they are all douche bags.

From the moment I/we would walk in the door they are staring down their noses at us, like we were an NBA team that just showed up to a KKK meeting. They treat everyone without an Armani suit or a Fendi purse like they were some homeless man with a fresh urine trail down his leg. Don't even dare ask a question or step too close to the counter or you will receive a glare that looks like it was meant for someone yelling in a library. I wouldn't be half surprised if they carried around tazer guns to zap the entire middle class who was brave enough to enter. I can only imagine what would happen if you got close enough to leave finger prints on the glass counters, they would probably lock you up and go Jigsaw on your ass. Even the elevator butler finds time in between pressing buttons to flash me a condescending glare our direction.

Where do they get off? Do they have to train to get this sort of attitude? Do they think that they ARE Tiffany? Or do they just hire the people who are really bitchy and asshole-y in their interviews. Either way there are a couple things that still have me leaving feeling superior to them:

A. They are pretty much all ugly (other than maybe the janitor and elevator dude). I believe this is worked into their sales strategy, they employ ugly old people so that you can feel more attractive while shopping. Which studies show that feeling attractive will make you to spend more money. (OK so I made that all up, but it makes sense to me). Abercrombie and Fitch needs to jump on this train because I refuse to buy jeans from a shirtless man-ican whos smells of the woods ever again.

B. I know that they just work there, which means..... hey, you assholes cant afford this shit either. Just because you work at the Bentley of retail does not mean you are making a $100k a year. That uniform you are wearing was on sale at Ross and your shoes hail from Payless and don't even get me started on your hair piece. You are no better than me you've only found a job that lets you pretend you are a gift to retail stop being delusional. You are not Tiffany and you are barely Co..

Phew, I feel better now that I've gotten that off of my chest. The truth of the matter is, that little rant has been pent up inside me for years every time I go in there I want to break something or spit on someone, but I don't want to disappoint Audrey Hepburn. Anyways, thanks for reading.

Scoman, buddy, I am going to find something sooner or later that you can relate to full on. You're in Au. right? I was thinking mullets or rat tails? When I was there those things ran wild! Any suggestions???

10.26.2009

Day 73--- Ed Hard-ly Cool...


Like I've said before I am certainly far from a fashion guru, I like being comfortable, I'm a t-shirt and shorts kind of guy. I have all sorts of nice fancy clothes but you will usually find me in some basketball shorts, a cut off shirt, and if I can help it commando (I like to breathe so do my boys). I am not going to say that I am the right authority to pass judgement, I am certainly no Michael Kors. However, as I do on a daily basis I am going to give my 2 cents. Today I will verbally rape the douche bags who wear Ed Hardy, hopefully they walk away limping.

About a week ago I was at Disneyland just minding my own business, when out of nowhere pranced a gay couple clad in matching Ed Hardy shirts. Its amazing how fast the happiest place on earth can turn into the saddest place on earth. Not only were they wearing matching Ed Hardy shirts red and black tiger across the back, but they were wearing obviously FAKE Ed Hardy shirts with a red and black tiger across the back. I thought gay people were supposed to have fashion sense, clearly they checked that at the door along with their dignity. When I think about it I don't know what is more disturbing, the fact that two grown men were wearing matching shirts or the fact that they probably still paid $35 for a Fruit of the Loom shirt that some Asian man ironed an Ed Hardy logo onto in his basement.
For those of you in middle America, or in other countries who have yet be probed by this fashion disaster, consider yourselves lucky. This is the new company for douche bag frat boys, Jersey Guido's, and celebrities without stylists. Pretty much only worn by people that you would want to punch in the face. So I give you all permission to do that to any you may encounter, sure there may be some innocent tourist who picked one up on Canal Street, but this is a chance I am willing to take, many times over.

I don't have all the facts on company history, but I believe it was formed when Von Dutch took a dump. If you were fortunate enough to have dodged the Von Dutch fad, it was another popular company about 5 years ago formed when I took a dump. So for that I apologize to the world.

Ed Hardy is described as a vintage tattoo wear company that manages to charge upwards of $100 for a t-shirt. Apparently this is for those people who like the look of tattoo's but have problems committing. Also for idiots who think it is reasonable or acceptable to pay $100+ for a t-shirt while there are starving children around the world. A majority of the designs are anything but "bad ass", they look more like someone stuck a 4 year old, a box of crayons, and a Bedazzler in a room and said, "hey design a shirt",(they probably didn't even say please).

I would like to stage a boycott, but I am going to go ahead and assume that anyone who reads my blog has enough sense to have never purchased anything from them before. I hope. What we should do though is treat these shirts like Peta does fur and start dumping buckets of paint on these people when you see them on the street. Of course you cant always be carrying around paint, I understand, so in this case spit will do just fine. You don't need to use your words, just dump or spit and walk away, they will get the point. Eventually. Thank you in advance for your participation.



10.25.2009

Day 72--- Kenan and Kill... ME...


Hello, and welcome to week two of celebrity Sunday. Once again I use the word celebrity quite loosely which will be obvious when I reveal who I am writing about. This next "actor" is only about as famous as the dog in the Bush's Baked Beans commercial, however the dog has clearly taken more acting classes. With much hesitation, I present to you, Kenan Thompson.

Kenan started off his career fat, which in my opinion is the only thing he has ever done successfully. He did a stint on the popular Nickelodeon shows "All That" and "Kenan and Kel". "All That" was a sketch comedy show similar to "In Living Color" in which he played all the fat characters they needed him to. He somehow became known for his impression of Bill Cosby, which I think is about on par with my impression of Bill Cosby, and every other person out there who can spell J-E-L-L-O. The Kenan and Kel show was a sit com in which Kenan lacked so much comedy that he managed to make Kel look like Richard Pryor. He also gave shade and ate craft services in a few D- movies, Heavyweights and Fat Albert, do you see a trend??? They have not really allowed him in many movies lately, apparently the food cost started to become more expensive than the rest of the production.

Many of his reviews had top critics quoted saying "they would rather watch 2 hours of spanish soap operas than 10 minutes of him fumbling around on screen."

Before Patrick Swayze passed he whispered, "at least I wont have to watch Kenan contaminate SNL's skits any longer."

Excerpt from Michael Jackson's memoirs: "Kenan was the only Nickelodeon actor that I never wanted to come play at my house, I think the reasons are obvious."

Kenan's parents, "we are sorry, we truly did not realize what we had done when we took him to his first audition, we tried to put him up for adoption at nine, but no one wanted him."

Kel-" I never liked him, he used to beat me up and take my lunch every day on set."

The cast of All That- " Kenan who?"

The cast of Heavyweights- "We never liked him, he would lure us into a room and lock the door, and then run and eat all the food."

As you can see I am not the only one with ill feelings toward this monster.

In 2003 he became a cast member of Saturday Night Live, I think its pretty safe to say that they had no other options at the time. They must have a one black guy quota on that show as well, and since all the other ones went on to have actual careers they got stuck with him. Unfortunately now this means that every time they want to use a black character they have to pull his sorry ass out of the kitchen. The thing that annoys me the most, is that literally every single character he does, he uses the exact same voice for everyone he does, the ONLY thing they ever change is the wig, and occasionally the costume. You think I'm kidding, here are a few of the characters he does, "Youtube" him doing them, and you wont be able to tell the difference: Al Sharpton, Maya Angelou, Al Roker, Aretha Franklin, Barry Bonds, Charles Barkley, and of course the age old Bill Cosby... You will be disappointed and there is a 98% chance you wont laugh, so remember I am not endorsing him, I am proving a point. I'm still shocked he is not on MadTV, we all know that show is reserved for the less funny people.

He makes a room full of hospice patients feel like a 16th birthday party. 2008-09 statistics show that people would rather watch the commercials than sit through a skit with Kenan in it, I know this is true for me. When I really have to pee during the show, I just pray for Ol Kenan to show up.

Random Factoid: Youtube was kind enough to provide this information----> Any video with Kenan will have 90% less views than videos without him.

When all is said and done, I don't just hate Kenan, I loathe him, even the sight of him annoys me. Just knowing that he is out there has started giving me panic attacks, type 2 Diabetes, asthma, and somehow raised my cholesterol 30 points. The only, I repeat the ONLY thing that I like about him is that knowing he made it on SNL has pretty much guaranteed me a spot as a future cast member, and for that, I thank you Kenan. Go have a Goodburger on me.

10.24.2009

Day 71--- Blown Away...


As I sat home today flipping through stations on my television I came across my next victims on the Discovery Channel. By the way if you don't have this channel, its pretty much the only one necessary, it's got great programs and you can actually learn from it (and no I am not sponsored by them). In fact I think we could probably do away with high school here in the U.S. if every family just showed their kids the Discovery Channel and maybe the Health and History channels as well. That is really not saying much, I did manage to sleep through the majority of my classes and still pull mostly A's. Anyways the group that I want to call to attention today are the "storm chasers". (Wow a first paragraph ramble, that was pretty early even for me)

Now, I'm an adrenaline junkie, I love sky diving, jumping off 70ft (22ish meters) into the ocean, driving with my eyes shut, yelling racial slurs out my car windows in Compton, "dressing ridiculous, blue and red like I don't see what the big deal is", all kinds of really fun things like that. But, storm chasing is kind of pushing it, this quickly exists the realm of everyday thrill seeker and rapidly entering the straight jacket department. I'll admit when I saw "Twister" back in the nineties I was all about chasing some storms, but that was really just because I had a mad crush on Helen Hunt. What happened to her by the way??? Actually even at nine I had sense enough to realize that this was just a movie, but apparently some people have decided to turn this lifestyle into reality.

They turn their old cars into semi- armored still old cars and then cross their fingers in hopes that this pile of metal will save them from the big bad tornado. Are you kidding me? Hello, these storms pick up houses, they pick up HOUSES, THEY PICK UP F%$#@NG HOUSES, so do you guys really think your home made Toyota Camry "Tank Edition" is not going to be tossed around like Zac Effron at a gay bar. I am certainly no scientist, but even I watched enough Bill Nye in my day to realize that a heavy car still weighs less than a house. Even if the heavy car is a trailer with Oprah in it.

When I was growing up in Texas there was a tornado that literally wiped out an entire town, one day there was houses, and stores, and the next day there was debris. Which is why I said it wiped out an ENTIRE town. These storms take no prisoners, OK I guess that was a given. So where do we draw the line between things that are super cool in the movies, and things that are super stupid in real life? I mean I liked Jurassic Park but you don't see me cloning dinosaurs from a mosquito stuck to a cane, and then trying to build a dino-park on some island off the coast. Truthfully, I tried for about 9 years, but apparently the government wont fund this sort of stuff since that T-rex came back and F-d up L.A..

Storm chasers, I mean, I want to say that you guys are brave, but you are really just the alligator wrestlers of the center of the country, which still makes you dumb, not brave. When I see these dudes wrestling alligators, believe me I am not rooting for the human in this situation. I want to see the reptile come away with one out of four limbs, no questions asked, the more the merrier. You mess with the bull you get the horns, right? So comparing this to the case of the storm chasers, I don't know maybe this would be equivalent to losing your car. Or even better maybe having the twister throw a stop sign at you and cut off a leg, or get lodged into your spleen. Remember in these situations its not always that the wind is blowing, its also WHAT the wind is blowing. We all remember the cow that went floating by in the movie, this is the sort of thing that I am talking about.

The thing that really gets me is that it cant be like on the "Deadliest Catch" where the fishermen are making like $100,000.00 for three months of work. The majority of storm chasers are doing it for the thrill and adrenaline rushes, which don't really seem to pad the bank account. Sure the guys on the show make money now, but they have not always. Who wants to play Russian Roulette??? Or let the dude in the wheel chair run with the bulls???

In conclusion, storm chasing is fun to watch, but I wouldn't want to be one and I cant respect them because something is clearly loose in their brains like a news anchor. Don't think just because Dorothy made it through a tornado that you can, things happen differently in OZ. I mean there were talking lions, and scarecrows, and midgets actually looked happy, that place was different...

<---------The only Storm that I will approve the chasing of is the one from X-Men, I think the reasons are obvious (*)(*)...Up up and away...



10.23.2009

Day 70--- Clap On...


Today is about a simple set of beings, this is not a group that I hate, or dislike, and honestly I cant even say they really annoy me. But they do confuse me. They have been around for years, but its only been recently that they have made themselves known a little more frequently. Of course I am talking about the people who clap at the end of movies. They are such a simple group of people, I've decided not to be too harsh today, not that they would get my complex sarcasm. Just to be safe in case someone explained it to them though.

Before I start let me admit that I have clapped in a theatre before, out of peer pressure though. I was afraid that the all the Harry Potter nerds with cloaks and wands would bludgeon me to death if I didn't give the credits a standing O. I am all about showing your support, but that's why I paid the $12 to see it and didn't download it off of the Internet. I clap in shows and concerts, or any other venue in which there are live performers there that can hear me. But if I'm not watching the movie with the director or any of the actors, I realize that no one cares. The only clapping they really want to hear anyways is the clapping of my money into their bank account. I wonder if these people who clap in at the end of movies clap at other arbitrary things in their lives. For instance a toaster, do you think when it is done toasting their Pop Tarts that they stand back and give it a round of applause?? Or when the person they hate is voted off of Project Runway do you think that they stand up alone in their living room and start applauding. This may sound a bit nuts but really it is the same concept. Your toaster cares as much as your TV and your TV cares as much as that projection screen at the movie theatre. Call me crazy but I see no difference. The only time it is acceptable to clap when you are alone, is if you still have clap on lights, or any other clap on product.

These guys are taking positive reinforcement to the next level with all this clapping they are doing. Of course they are also the ones in a crowd to stand up and start the slow clap at the end of a really touching speech. They will take any and every opportunity they can to start clapping.

- Someone successfully parallel parks- clap
- Someone finds Waldo- clap
- Someone changes a light bulb- clap
- Someone finishes a Sudoku (only on hard)- clap
- Someone drops food in a public place- clap and laugh

These are just a few examples of places that these people probably clap when no one else would. Bed time. Clap off...

10.22.2009

Day 69--- I Wouldnt Put My Hand Under there If I Were You...

Well today is day 69, so you know what that means??? It means that you sick bastards probably want me to do something sexual, and based on that assumption alone. I refuse. Actually that's not why at all, I am just not feeling compelled towards any sexual groups today, its unfortunate. However, the group I am feeling the need to bring up today are the menaces who put their chewed gum underneath tables (or anything for that matter).

When I worked at "the restaurant" in times square every so often we would have this very exciting opportunity called "gum night". We were so excited to be lucky enough to stick around for an extra hour at 2 am in the morning to scrape gum off of our tables and chairs. Management would hand out some paint scrapers and gloves (if we were lucky) and let us just go to town. We'd flip the tables over and attack the rainbow assortment of gum people decorated the bottoms with. Some pieces were removed easier than others, some had hardened by the time we got to it (which for some reason turns it into crazy glue), some pieces were fresh enough to have possibly arrived that very night. Doing this type of bullshit "side-work" is what has created the jaded person whose blog you are now reading. Ending a $200-$300 night by getting on my hands and knees and hammering someone else's gum, off of someone else's table is very humbling, but more-so bitterness inspiring. As I sit there chiseling you can bet I am bitching non-stop about how I am not paid to be the janitor. Surprisingly enough the $4 per hour I make as a server is not quite worth the hands and knees shit. At the same time I am also thinking of all the embarrassing things I will say and do to the first person I ever catch sticking gum under one of my tables. Trust me!

Really though, what is wrong with these people? Every table has the same number of napkins as it does humans, seems like the first reasonable place to stick your waste. Also, each table is equipped with an entire roll of paper towels, they are not there for show. Swallowing is always a nice clean option for those lazy bastards among us. (If your fear with this one is that there may end up being a gum tree growing inside you, I've looked it up, that only happens if you swallow watermelon seeds). I understand that gum has been made conveniently sticky leaving the under-table option open, but this does not make it the appropriate one to go with. Sometimes we have to make mature decisions, trust me I know this can be hard. For instance, sometimes a fountain in the middle of a nice park really seems like a great place for me to take a piss or maybe even a bath, but unfortunately those were not the functions the fountain was created for. Get my drift? If I ever catch someone in the future sticking gum somewhere that I may have to clean it you better believe that I will make them stand up and put it on their nose. Either that or go get them the paint thingy to scrape off everyone else's.

The only place this was ever acceptable was back in school when you would get caught with gum and you were not good at swallowing, you could use some slide of hand magic to get it out of your mouth and under your desk before your teacher made it to your desk. But hopefully since grade school you have learned some manners. Most smart people carry the wrapper the gum came in so they can put it right back into it when they are done... How bout that stroke of genius???

Honestly I probably wouldn't care that much if I had never ended up having to clean up after other peoples nasty habit, but the experience has made me a strong supporter in doing bad things to these people. So think about that next time we go out to eat. Happy 69th.

10.21.2009

Day 68--- I Would Walk 500 Miles...


Have you ever been to a mall and had some elderly persone come whizzing past you in a wind breaker and sweatpants? Well I have, and I will admit it was quite a sight to see. In fact, I hate malls, but now I go back weekly just to watch this intense group of individuals work it out from Sears to JcPennys... Unfortunately I don't have any hard numbers, but based on minimal research I discovered that this is a popular daily event in most malls across the great United States... Wow, arent we innovative???

The first time I saw a group of people doing this I could not help but laugh, (and the second and the third and the fourth and the fifth and so on...). I though it was some sort of a joke, or that I had accidentally stumbled onto the set of a Fatboy Slim video. Boy was I wrong. There are actually groups of people who wake up daily, throw on full workout attire (sweatbands included), drive down to their local mall and go for a nice speed walk. Some even break a sweat, (thus being able to utilize the sweatbands).

Clearly this is one of those activities that is more popular among senior citizens, I imagine this is for many reasons. First, because they dont mind looking silly to the general public, I mean, they go around pooing their pants and pretending to love Bingo, clearly appearance is not their top priority. Also, they have the time, when you are retired you tend to look for things to fill up your time, at our age its hard enough to find time to run around the blocks a few times or go to a gym a few blocks away. Yet these old folks are up at 5 am looking for something to do to keep them busy when they are over knitting sweaters. I dont hate them for that, I dont even dislike them, but I will laugh at them (its my right as an American), its fantastic they are staying active, I guess its just the venue they have chosen that has me so interested.

This apparently is not a passing fad either, there are actually a "Mall Walkers Association of America" and you know with a name that provocative and heartwarming this group is in for the long haul. My only suggestion on this one is that I really feel that they need to make it a little bit more exciting for the rest of us though. If they are going to be weaving in between Victorias Secret and I, I'm going to eventually need something that keeps me from getting annoyed with them. Maybe a weekly race? Maybe even bi-weekly, or maybe they give the "mall-shoppers" a chance to place bets, that keeps it fun for everyone. Maybe they could even throw in a relay race, oh goodness I'm getting excited just at the thought of it. My money is on the team with the most hair, I know the others appear to be more aero-dynamic, but the hair makes my team more youthful, oh gosh think of the potential... Just a thought.

10.20.2009

Day 67--- Going Going, Back Back, to.....


Do you know what I never quite understood? People in long distance relationships. I've spent countless years trying to talk my friends out of these things. All my efforts typically proved a waste of time, but I'm friends with mainly girls, and they just want to hear what a guy has to say, they don't actually listen.

I used to plead with my friends to find someone date-able where they/we were residing. Keep in mind the majority of this advice giving was done while I was living in NYC, so they should have believed me when I said there are 8 million other fish in the sea... 8 million if you swing both ways, lets say 3 million straight non-married people to pick from, pretty good odds. Why did they need to date someone they could only see a few times a year? It always puzzled me and quite honestly sometimes frustrated me. When I wanted to go out they would stay in and talk to their "lover" on the phone, when I wanted to play video games; on the phone, when I wanted someone to Veet my back; phone, you see the pattern. I thought maybe they'd had some bad experiences dating people they could actually touch, so naturally keeping them at a distance was the only way for them to be comfortable. I thought maybe they had tried all the locals and been rejected so they sank to carrying on relationships via text. I for one, believed this was certainly no way to live. I told them if "so and so" really loved you they would move, or vice versa, I told them everything I could to try and get them to be single and attempting to mingle. Because that's the good supportive friend that I am. I thought there would never be a day where I understood the satisfaction people get from dating long distance. This I stood firmly by....

Until.... (drum-roll)... A certain girl from the Midwest opened my eyes to the possibility, scratch that, opportunity to give this whole distance thing a shot for myself, (to be fair to her, and to me, she is not actually from the Midwest, I'm not dating some full-back with a butch haircut from Ohio). So yes, now I am one of these crazy people in a long distance relationship and I'm loving it, other than the distance and the goodbyes, those don't seem to get any easier. Oddly enough I seem to have the support of all of my friends, even the ones I tried to talk out of it in the past, but I think my friends know me well enough to know when I like someone enough to date them this way, it must be serious. I guess I have to admit that I was wrong, which does not happen often. Mainly because I am not often wrong. When people come into our lives that we don't want to let go of I guess its just human nature to find away to make that work. In 2009 the way we have found is Ichat, Skype, and Unlimited texts, certainly makes the process a lot easier.

I know you guys are used to me ridiculing the groups I have chosen for the day, but I just dropped my girl off at the airport so I'm kind of in a be nice/sad mood. So deal with it, there's plenty of time for me to kidney punch social outcasts with words tomorrow. However, I will say that you better have met the person before you get into a relationship with them. Otherwise you are just desperate. Internet profiles and witty "about Me's" can never be substitutes for real human face to face contact. The only time I endorse this type of behavior is if you are purchasing a bride from another country, as long as you think you are getting a good deal. Remember though, photo shop can work wonders, how else would Tyra Banks have a career. I'm gonna leave it here just in case I decide to dive deeper into Internet daters in a future blog. I will remind you once more though that long distance dating can be a very sticky thing, although its great for promoting safe sex. It may be extremely awkward for all parties involved when you show up to meet your lover for the first time and instead run into Chris Hansen and the rest of the "how to Catch a Predator" crew. Good luck finding a job after being on that show. OK, I'm rambling, miss you Ally!

10.19.2009

Day 66--- Faux-Handi-Cappers...


I want to first let all of my wonderful readers know that I just spent an enchanted day at the happiest place on earth. I'm not even being sarcastic, I was at Disneyland for about 10 hours today, and being the child that I am I loved every minute of it. Not just for the rides, the food, and the fun either, you can imagine that a social commentator/ people watcher like myself would have quite a hay-day at the most popular theme park on earth. Oh boy did I ever, I don't think the witty comment area of my brain saw a rest all day. I also found about 7 more people to add to my list of future blogs, quite exciting people there at the Land of Disney. Naturally today's characters come from the experience I just had, but they can be found anywhere that it is convenient for them to cheat the system. Normally I call them douche-bags, fakers, or liars, but for the purpose of this blog I'll call them "faux-handi-cappers".

If you have ever been to a theme park in your life chances are you have been cut in line by this group of Pinocchio's (get it?... he was a liar)... These people have no conscience at all, they either come in with the plan to fake a disability or an injury, so they can get crutches or a scooter and front of the line access for them and anyone with them. Now, normally this is done by stupid teens who find some ace bandages at home wrap up their leg and hobble into the park. It always works too, I've seen this process planned and then acted out, and apparently the parks cant really question them. Which I can understand. The group that sparked my interest today however was not a bunch of teens. They were 3 adults somewhere in their 30's or 40's, who rolled up next to me in their little 4-wheelers. Now, before you get all defensive, I'm aware that there are sicknesses that I can not see just by looking. But these 3 were next to me for a few minutes in line and certainly didn't seem to carry any mental problems. Once I noticed this I decided to watch them a bit more carefully, considering there were stairs up ahead on the Indiana Jones ride I was wondering how they would make it. So I watched as they parked their little scooters and moseyed on over to where they needed to be, no limping, no hobbling, no deep breaths. They appeared to be just fine. Now, I'm judgey, and I usually have something to say, but I just sat there watching as people around me made comments. Clearly I was not the only person thinking about finding a way to make sure they needed these rolling chairs.
I will agree that there is a small chance that they all 3 were friends with heart disease or early stages of cancer, but I'm thinking Indiana Jones is not the friendliest ride for your heart. These 3 are not the only ones out there though, I've seen it numerous times over the years. I was just shocked to see it was not teens this time. While I'm on the topic, what about these fat people who ride the scooters around?... Don't you think that not walking is what put you in that predicament in the first place. You would probably not weigh 700 lbs. if you actually tried walking around the theme park rather than riding a go cart. OK I'm tired, maybe I'll come back and edit this someday...

10.18.2009

Day 65--- Get your Daly Dose...

In light of my recent realization that I still have three hundred of these things to write I decided that I needed to find a way to break up the monotony, both for my readers and for I. Not to say that what I am currently writing is monotonous, at least I hope not. To keep from getting to that point in the late two hundreds I have decided to coin Sundays as celebrity Sundays. Which is probably not an entirely new thing to the world of blogs, but it is indeed new to my blog. I figured my goal is to write daily about people, and as much as we like to idolize and un-humanize famous people, they still are. So we are all happy, I get to continue writing daily about people, thus fulfilling my little goal, and my readers still get to enjoy witty off the wall sarcastic banter. Enjoy.

Carson Daly. This guy is like a zit that wont pop, not only will it not pop but it becomes infected. Shortly after it has been infected a few months it turns into a tumor further attaching itself to your face, once it reaches this point its even more difficult to get rid of. This is Carson Daly in a nutshell. He began his career by infecting the popular teen MTV show TRL. You'd think with the amount of talented people that he came in contact with over the years that some iota of talent or charisma may have rubbed off on him. However, if you have managed to stay up late enough to see his show, it only takes about 3 minutes to realize that he has picked nothing up. At least not in the form of talent. It does not even take a full three minutes to see why the network has tucked him away at 2 am, the only thing it will leave you wondering is how he has a show at all. It is called Last Call with Carson Daly, but I motion to change the name to Last Call for Carson Daly, I have been to funerals with more laughs than this show. Everything from his opening yawn-a-logue to his horrendously un-funny skits makes this show less appealing than PBS. The only thing his show is good for is to finally put people with insomnia to sleep. I would only recommend putting this show on if you are having trouble falling asleep. If his show had an ounce of hope for originality or talent it was wasted on the band. His show actually makes me wish that Ricki Lake had a late night show, at least she had some exciting guests. His is the one show that they actually have to pay people to come on to promote themselves, and still I've never seen any A-listers on the line-up. I don't blame them.
Enough about the show. Carson is one of three people that come to mind that actually looked better when they were fat-er. The first two being Star Jones and Matthew Perry I have included a picture of the transformation for your viewing dis-pleasure. Apparently even he has to be on crack to make it through one of his shows. He went from looking like a healthy adult male to a cast member from The Nightmare Before Christmas, someone give this guy a cracker. The last attractive thing that Carson did was Tara Reid, but that's like being proud that you've scored the hottest chick at the trailer park. I heard that they actually offered him a lead role in this summers blockbuster District 9 both because of his lack of worldwide fame and his stunning likeness to an alien. I think they may have thought they would save on make-up and CGI costs, but he quickly declined the offer reminding them he had no acting ability. Thank God.

Yeah, I dont like the guy, I'm sorry.

10.17.2009

Day 64--- The Solo Facebook Photographer...


Facebook photographer syndrome is a common disease among our youth these days. If we don't help these troubled children when they first start its almost always too hard to reverse the path.

It starts one day when you realize your profile picture is a bit outdated. You've since gotten a new haircut, new wardrobe, new tattoo, or any number of things that you think that everyone should see. You don't want to have a full fledged paid photo shoot that would involve another person. So you innocently decide to set up a tripod in your room along with the camera your parents just bought. You figure out the timer situation, test the angles, and start coordinating the wardrobe. Before you know it you have filled up the whole memory card with hundreds of embarrassing shots of yourself in every pose, outfit, and camera setting you can work. The sad part is, after all this work you don't realize how embarrassing and not flattering the photos actually are. You think you look great, but you are delusional, you've just spent hours paparazzi-ing yourself and you feel the need to share it with the world. No longer was this outing just for one photo. No, no, no this outing now represents your first Facebook album, and the beginning of your sickness.
Since that day, you've convinced yourself of all sorts of fallacies. For instance, you are not actually a photographer. Just because you have figured out the brilliance of the sephia button does not mean your photos are presentable to the E-world. Also, you are not attractive, just because black and white manages to flush out most blemishes we can still see your face, which is your main problem.

Understand this is only the beginning, once this virus takes hold, the camera is with these people 24-7 . Within weeks there will be a whole album dedicated to shots taken in the mirror, shortly after that we have the outstretched arm album (commonly referred to as the Myspace angle). Then there will undoubtedly be photos with the family pet, thousands of them, which I do not need to remind you that no one cares about your pet as much as you do. Once they get a little more comfortable they will move into the swim-wear portion of photos, fueled by positive or negative comments, this can prove to be quite dangerous. Its a sickness.

Truthfully this post is more of a warning than anything else. Parents, if your children are locking themselves in their room with make-up and a digital camera its time to take charge because I assure you this is only the beginning. I've lost some good friends of mine to Facebook whoredom and its not a pretty sight, no person should spend more time on personal photos than they do with actual people. Not only is it wrong and strange but it pretty much guarantees an emo future. Lord knows none of you want to have emo children. So heed my warning and buy your teens PS3's and Ipods, and stay away from fueling the fire with a digital camera.

10.16.2009

Day 63--- Eat This!...


I feel like I've been throwing out a lot of full throttle hate over the past couple days, so I'm going to tone it down a bit today with a group that is just slightly annoying. It's not even their fault really and I understand that, but I've never had a healthy relationship with these people. If you hadn't guessed it by now, of course I am referring to "the sample givers" of the grocery world. Proudly retiring from retirement to strap on a hair net and some rubber gloves to convince us via guilt and trickery that we must by what they are selling.

Let me begin by telling you that I have had a long history with this group of people. I have been going shopping with my mother since I was just a young tike. I was a pretty responsible young fellow, so from time to time my mother would let me wander the store aisles alone in search of.... well, food I guess, lucky me right? On many of these journeys I would run into our apron-ed friends, "the sample giver". There they stood hunched over in their food-prep fortress, kings and queens of the kiosks I liked to call them (not true). They believed that for 6 hours a day they were gods of the end-cap, because I cant remember one of them that would give me a taste without a parent present. (I mean come on people, this isn't a rated R movie, I'm not trying to by cigarettes, I just want to taste that damn microwaveable weenie that you're pushing so hard on everyone else). I'm nine years old ma'am, that means I'm in third grade, I know cursive, I've kissed a girl (on the lips), I've seen a boob on those scrambled TV channels, and here I am being denied food that is made for my age group. What gives? I know I don't have any money, but I am the one who convinces my parents what they should buy, don't you know that's what children are for?... When my mom finally would catch up with me, of course she allowed me to partake in the weenie eating, (I chose weenies for obvious reasons) I would stand right there in front of the "sample giver" as I seductively swallowed my sample. I'd ask for another, and then decide that I didn't like them enough to give up the Goldfish my mom had already picked out for my snack. Then I'd walk away giving one last glare at the woman with the gloves... I knew then that our relationship would never be anything less than awkward...

Fast forward to now. You here yet? OK. I'm 25 years old, and have still not fully recovered a functional relationship with "the sample givers". Obviously, they have to give me samples now, I'm a big boy, and if they ever question it, of course mommy is still on speed dial to give permission. The reason that our relationship is still a bit rocky is that now they have perfected the guilt approach. They stand there acting like they have been slaving over some hot stove for hours, or that the product is their very own. Every time I sample these days I try and do it at the same time as someone else so that I don't have to look them directly in the eyes. If I can get in, get my weenie, and get out, I consider it a successful trip. (Yes, that is in fact what she said.)... When I leave a window of opportunity, they pretty much can guilt me in to anything.

Normally I'm a hard sell when it comes to anything, but I think its the combo of old people and food that tugs on my heart. In fact, about a month ago I was at the grocery store with my girlfriend when we decided to sample some lovely dips on sourdough bread. They were indeed delicious so I thought what the heck, lets see how much it is. The lady proceeds to tell me that the shit was $8.97 and I'm thinking to myself, holy balls, that's steep, but this woman had the perfect attack. First, she kept offering different me flavors, she was gonna make sure I worked her to death so I'd feel guilty enough to buy, and second she was working on my girl. Now that's smart, but evil, if we were married, I'd be like ha ha ha sure 9 bucks for some dip, guess who's not getting dinner. But since we're not at that stage yet, I've still got to appear that nothing is too rich for me. So, I bought the stuff, it was good, I'd love to endorse it but cant remember the brand. I just kept thinking to myself, I've got a cart full of stuff here and 1/3 of the cost is a dip! Congrats "sample lady" you got me again.

Not only do they intimidate me, and force me to buy things I don't need, that's right force. They also manage to make me feel awkward, which by reading my blogs you should realize it takes quite a bit to do that. When going up to sample I always feel as though I have intruded on a dinner party and I am under dressed. Or, if they are still cooking, microwaving, cutting, or in any way still preparing the food I become instantly furious, like they should have it ready when I get there. I'm American damn it. What about when they are out of samples? That's the worst. You are walking around the store ready to eat your arm and you see a stand at the end of the aisle, you rush down there to claim your prize and low and behold they are wrapping up for the day. You lose. What a crock of crap this is, its like being invited to a birthday party and when you show up all the pizza is gone, you spend the next hour searching all the boxes just to see if there was some small or defective piece that no one wanted, you'd even settle for a piece with a bite out of it. You don't even like the kid whose birthday it is, you just wanted some free pizza and now you're out of luck. Ya, its just like that... Then when you do get food, other than the whole being guilted into buying situation I always feel like I should tip them or something. Or at least make a comment about the food, mmm that was nice... your recipe?... ah, stupid question I can see you just stuck them in the microwave, I'm leaving.

I don't know the whole concept is just amazing and silly to me at the same time. Free food- thumbs up, but when its being given away by snooty WWII veterans- thumbs down. This is why I have taken to my own method of sampling. You see, if there is a new product on the shelf that I'd like to try, I just do it. I find the darkest corner of the store and pop whatever it is open and have a few bites, this way no one is watching, and no one can guilt me into a purchase. If I don't like it, I just hide it on a shelf, chances are they'll think its some kid, grocery stores get to write off defective and opened stuff, I don't feel that bad. If I do like it though, I don't wanna look like the crazy guy buying an open bag of chips, so I still hide them, and then go find a new bag. Everyone is happy, I got a cost effective product that I know I like, and I didn't have to deal with the "sample giver". OK, maybe I'm the only one who's happy, but that's really all that counts isn't it?

10.15.2009

Day 62--- Bi-tch-Cyclists...


Does anyone know what prompted cyclists to believe that they are now the most important people to roll the earth. Maybe I'm alone on this one but I have never mounted a 2 wheel Schwinn, strapped on one of those extremely attractive helmets and thought to myself.... "Ryan, lets go piss off every pedestrian and and car that I come into contact with". Shocking, I know... I dont know what it is about those shiny blue and red helmets that makes these guys think they are untouchable and unbreakable, but I assure you they are not.

Living in NYC for 5 years I've had my share of run ins with these guys, oh dont worry, of course I'm gonna share a few stories :)... First one: Just left my apartment for the day, got my Ipod on full blast dancing down 49th street just like they do in The Newsies. I get over to 8th avenue and sadly cars are coming, so I'm going to have to wait briefly until there is a long enough break to dart across the street. (Remember this is NYC, we do not have to wait for signals, those are for tourists and idiots, basically one in the same.) 8th Ave is a one way street heading northbound, so naturally I should not have to look north for cars, I look south. Im watching, watching, watchi... OK, clearing----> so I start out from where I was waiting only to be slammed into on my left side by a "Famous Rays Original Pizza" delivery boy, (boy or man, I'm not quite sure, he was Mexican, and had a mustache, that could go either way. I sure as heck wasn't waiting around to take his insurance, and he was not waiting around to get deported) so we both went on our merry ways. I was pissed, for a minute, and then I realized it would make a great blog story 2 years later so I got over it quickly enough. OK, one more story. Same intersection, now on the east side of the street, looking south (to my left) waiting for another break in the traffic. Perfect, here it is... I step out----screeeeeeecccchhhhhh!!!! I look back to my right side just as (in slow motion mind you) a business man on a bike comes slowly flying over his handlebars landing about a foot from me. Apparently he has some great front breaks, and no back ones... This was a bit awkward for both of us, but as he was picking himself up and dusting himself off, all I could think was, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I went to reach and help after about 15 seconds of holding back laughter, but he was in much more of a hurry than I was, I guess there were about 2,ooo people there who just watch him fail miserably. Thank goodness he was wearing his helmet :)....

I understand the convenience of a bike, its faster, and in NYC really all you need other than your feet. However, just because it is smaller than a car, this does not mean that you should ride it down the sidewalk. Its not a side stand, and its not a side walk, if you are going to be using a sidewalk to go from point A to point B, walking is the preferred method of transportation. If I had a bundle of sticks I would be proud to jam one through each and every one of these douches spokes. I'd feel like it was my duty as a pedestrian in fact, people would crown me.

Truth be told, it is not only annoying when I am walking though, they are just as big of a nuisance when I am in a motor vehicle, because it just so happens that this day they are too experienced for the sidewalk and too good for their designated bike lane. They want to weave in between cars, go slow up hills, and do all the other annoying things they do. All I want to do is get in front of them and slam on my breaks. Or there is always the option of letting them drive along side me and opening my door, it looks great in movies, but I fear that may cause too much damage. When I'm driving I actually have created a point system for items that I could potentially hit (mainly humans, but certainly not limited to). Pedestrians, for instance have all sorts of point values typically from 1-15 depending on their age, gender, shape, height, style, and race. Obviously the bigger ones are worth less, because it would be harder for them to get out of the way, I'm sure I'm not the only one who plays this game. Groups are worth a range of points, if they are old people, I'll award myself very few points, seeing as how they don't have much life left anyways, school kids are the most for the opposite reason. Bikers however, automatic 20 points, not because they are harder to hit, but simply because I hate them even more than I do the walkers. You even get extra points for a proper hit and run, up to fifty bonus points, I am the best though, so don't try and beat me at my own game.

Cyclists, whether you are professionals in your ball tight spandex, delivery boys for the local pizza shop, getting to and from work in a suit, or just a normal dude out for a leisurely afternoon ride you should make sure and always wear flashing lights and a helmet with some shiny reflector stuff on it... No, not to keep you safe, ha ha, you are silly, its simply so we can still play the game at night. It is not nearly is fun if we hit you by accident, we need to be able to call out the points before we hit you. Good game.

10.14.2009

Day 61--- Non-Birthday Bastards...


Today is my 25Th birthday, so I really should not have to write at all, but I know you guys live and die by my great words of wisdom so I am here for you. I really want to just sit on my butt all day and watch "Shark Tank", but my DVR erased all the episodes and Glee is not on until later so here I guess I have some time. I've decided that since today is my birthday, I want to write about something with a birthday theme, and I believe I have found the perfect candidate. This group are the low-lives that go around lying about it being their birthday so that they get free things, special treatment, and extra attention.

I imagine the most popular place that this occurs is restaurants. They do it for the free dessert or to feel validated by having a staff full of complete strangers who could not care less sing to them. I've mentioned a few times before that I spent the past 4 years of my life working/slaving at a very busy themed restaurant in Times Square. This restaurant just so happens to be known for a staff full of Broadway hopefuls who sing every birthday song like they were on stage at the Nederlander. We don't just have one version of the song either, we've got about 10 and are always encouraged to think of more. Sounds amazing doesn't it??? Being a themed eatery in Times Square we get our share of birthday parties and birthday dates, it comes we the territory, so we deal. My technique is to embarrass people, because usually they aren't the ones paying, and I figure if I can make the friends, family, or the date laugh and they are the ones paying I may have a better chance at a decent tip. Its logical. I do the birthday song, I give special treatment, I make everyone laugh, smiles all around.

Every now and then though my happy little Bubba Gump world is infested by some birthday thunder stealer, and this I despise. As much as I seemingly love doing birthday songs, because I'm a good actor, I really hate it. We all do, it breaks flow, it causes a mess, and it calls attention to how shitty and degrading our lives as waiters at a restaurant based on a movie about a retarded guy who caught shrimp really are. So their is nothing cute or funny about lying to me about when your birthday is, just because you are a cheap bastard that doesn't want to spring for an actual dessert. Or you are some loser just wants people to sing to you every time you go out to eat. We may be waiters, but we are smart (OK, some of us), we can tell by your stupid little giggle or grin that its not your birthday. If this is the case, I have no problem lying to you and telling you the restaurant needs me to check your I.D. before I ring in your free dessert, I blame everything on the economy or the restaurant, I always works. If you are going to bold face lie to me, we will see who wins this battle. Plus you are scum, I find it equally as bad claiming that you have ball cancer just so you can wear those little yellow bracelets. I know all of you guys don't have it!
Mostly True Story:
I kid you not I actually had a woman in mid October ask if I would sing her son a birthday song because the vacation they were on was actually for his birthday, which was not until late December. Typically honesty is a great policy, but not when you are asking me to do something I hate doing. So, I politely declined her wonderful offer, in turn asking if she would like me to sing her Christmas Carols as well. Turns out she was also Jewish so that joke didn't go over as well as I had hoped. Obviously after that F up I had to return my tail between my legs and do the birthday song for them, just to save my tip (contrary to popular belief most Jews actually tip quite well when they like you). The birthday song did however have my own personal twist to it, I put Matisyhu on real low in the background, I made sure that the sundae had 8 lit candles that we blew out one day at a time, we lifted her son in the air (while still in his chair) and paraded him around the restaurant, we smashed bottles on the ground and yelled random words, and for the finale we chopped off the end of his...OK none of that is true, but that would have been the most memorable 2 month early birthday song little Abraham ever would have had.

The moral of today's blog is, (if you can find any morality in any of my blogs)... Don't lie about your birthday, its not cool like cigarettes are, its not funny like Carrot Top is, its not a new idea like the wheel, and its not practical like Obama winning the Nobel Peace prize. (See how I used a bunch of things that were like opposites, see that?)... Its dumb and stupid and wrong and bad and poopy and childish. If you cant afford a six dollar cookie sundae maybe you should have taken your girlfriend somewhere a little less "fancy"<--- term used as loosely as Elton John's... wardrobe choices. Hey, it's my birthday I'm allowed to take cheap shots.


PS. Yes, these are pictures of me. one from when I lived in Hawaii, and one from when I lived in NY. NYC is way better, not just because of that hottie next to me, I'm sure I'll blog about the differences at some point in the future.

And of course. I had to include one of our birthday songs... Noland, you're a hit on Youtube...

10.13.2009

Day 60--- Insta-Doctor...


I almost feel bad making fun of today's guests. Almost. No one likes a know it all, but it's even worse when their know it all degree comes with a specialty. Today I am talking about the instant doctors among us. Those douche's who award themselves honorary PHD's and parade around giving medical advice. The trouble is they sometimes are so convinced they know what they are talking about that we almost listen. Kinda the same deal with people like Dr. Phil or Tyra, pitiful.

Now, I watch a lot of Greys Anatomy myself, and by a lot I mean I have not missed an episode. However, in no way shape or form do I believe that this allows me to practice medicine. Why then do these people believe that after zero or less days of medical school that they are fit to diagnose my bruised back. Once I've somehow let it slip that I am in pain, they run through all the typical questions that a doctor may ask. I feel like that's being a bit intrusive when you are not in fact a doctor, yet I humor them for the moment. They spit back 9 different possibilities like they are WebMD, leaving me almost in tears. I should have known, I'm bound to leave a conversation with them feeling worse than I did before. Chances are they've wrongly convinced me that my sore back could be anything from back cancer to AIDS, which I don't even know if back cancer exists, but I'm worried regardless. That is at least until I realize that they are not using lessons they've learned in medical school or in a residency, but they are indeed recalling the season 3 finale of Greys. Phew, good thing I didn't let them operate as well. Don't ever mention a headache around these guys or you re bound to walk away worried you've got a brain tumor.

I'm actually surprised that they don't carry around little prescription sheets, they certainly always know what medicine will be necessary to cure my ailments. When half of the crap we deal with could be cured with orange juice, a glass of water, and a nap. the best is when you know what it is that's wrong with you, whether its something you've dealt with your whole life or you've just come back from the doctor. There they are wanting to argue the cause and the treatment, "no, it's not allergies that make you swell up like that, you have internal bleeding...". That's when you just smile and walk away, you have to learn how to pick your battles with these ones.

The only people I will allow to be medical know-it-all's are grandma's and mothers, and only if they are related to me. Which makes that pool quite small, mom's and grandma's always know how to make things better, even if it consists of sticking Elmer's glue into a large gash to stop bleeding. I know with them its like God made them honorary nurses, they don't have all the knowledge but they can at least patch you up until the doctor gets there. When we were young however, we would believe anything they said about anything, every pain I ever had---growing pains. Is that even a medical term? Because in my house it sure was, every pain I ever had could be attributed to growing pains. At least now I'll know how to diagnose my kids.



10.12.2009

Day 59--- The Twilight Zone...


Today's specimen are nothing more than a bunch of bloodsucking little pricks, and no I'm not talking about lawyers (ha ha get it? Not one of my better starts...). Over the past year or two vampires have infiltrated pop culture like they were a bunch of fake tits backstage at a Guns and Roses Concert (pre-gay,Bret Michaels). At first I thought it may pass quickly, like that key I swallowed yesterday, but just recently I realized they were here to stay, kinda like the Backstreet Boys. All thanks to a few books written by a third grader, or for third graders, or something like that. (Btw, why couldn't it have been Nsync that came back, over, and over and over? They were much better)

It is both shocking and sad that Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise do a Vampire movie and it does nothing for us, but here we are 15 years later letting a few substandard actors rule the world. I'm actually a bit surprised that they didn't win the Nobel Peace Prize this year, they've certainly seemed to have done more than Obama, but that's neither here nor there. I realize he's got a lot on his plate like, fried chicken, and not doing anything, it must be hard to blow all that smoke up peoples asses. OK, I'm done this is supposed to be about vampires Ryan, <-- that was me talking to myself. Tangent.---

Anyways yeah, these vampires, they're just coming out of the woodwork these days. The last movie I went to, 2 out of 5 previews were for movies about vampires. I'd be fine with one a year but now these studios wanna produce anything with bleached out teens in it. Maybe that's why teenagers love it so much, they really are no different than most teens in school today. Think of them as emo kids who've learned how to fly, feed on other people, and not take acting classes. I've started to carry around garlic with me just in case any of the hibernating "vamps" <--(that's what I call them for short) decide to surface again for a snack. So far I've been lucky, but there was a homeless man the other day who looked like he wanted to bite me, he backed down once I spit on him, clearly not a vampire. Thank God.

Speaking of God I wonder what He thinks about all this nonsense, here we are again trying to find a loophole in this dying thing we do. I imagine that's why crosses and the sun burn the vamps. I'd be mad too.

I'm not gonna lie, I've even jumped on board the bandwagon a little bit. No I'm not reading any of these children's books, watching Tru Blood (yet), or buying advanced tickets to watch Edward Cullen "run-fly" up trees and give blank stares into the cameras (yes, I saw it). I have not stooped that low, but I have indeed fallen for one of the palest girls I know. (OK, she's not that pale, and she's way hotter than Kristen Stewart, but for the sake of this blog she's damn pale)... In my defense, I figured that logically this was a smart move for me, because if these vamps are real, I at least want to appear as though I've aligned myself with one of them. Thankfully, her bites have yet to draw blood. (....u)

Before I go I do want to mention Blade, with Wesley Snipes. OK, yeah I just wanted to mention it, I don't think any one has ever seen it, so there's no need for further discussion.

In conclusion, because what is a blog without a proper conclusion...? I think that I have devised a perfect solution to end this whole vampire fad that has plagued our world. I propose that we convince M. Night Shyamalan to do a movie about vampires. I mean he's managed to ruin just every movie he's touched since the Sixth Sense, so maybe if he tries he can get us uninterested in vampires all together. Come to think of it maybe we should have him direct the next Saw, Jason, Freddy, Halloween, Twilight, Eddie Murphy, Ben Affleck, and Dane Cook movies, so we can just do away with those franchises/people once and for all. I'm just sayin.


Message from Peta: There is nothing wrong with drinking people's blood, we ask that you just please not do it to the animals.

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