9.30.2009

Day 47--- Saturday Night Dead...



Today is for those of us who survived all of the crappy casts of SNL. Granted it was never as un-funny as MADtv, but in the days between Ferrel and Samberg I found more comedy in the commercials. The crusty impressions of Bush were almost as annoying as The Frank Caliendo Show. Almost. Seven years into a shi**y presidency even my little sister could have managed to write their Bush bashing skits. Needless to say I was not impressed. You knew they were really getting desperate when they let Keenan or Kel or whoever he is start acting in the skits. He was the less funny of 2 characters on a 90's Nickelodeon show, you really think he is gonna pop off on SNL. I don't think so. That's like expecting the younger Spears baby-maker to have the same career as her sister, not in this lifetime sister. (pun intended)... I have gone to 1st level improv classes that made me laugh harder than most of this crap they were allowing to air.

But.

My intention today was only to have a brief bash of the cast, but mainly to thank the few who make the show still worth watching, because Lord knows Lorne Michaels is lining his pockets with their contracts. Don't worry the list is extremely short. First, The Lonely Island Group, most specifically Andy Samberg, he is holdin it down for us funny people all over the world. Now I know you don't have to be sexy to be famous, but being funny makes you sexy! Awesome! (shallow girls wont get this)... I have not done much research but I would venture to say that about 90% of the videos that have been sent around the web were either starring or written by this group (Lonely Island), consisting of once again Andy, Jorma Taccone, and Akiva Schaffer. They also wrote and starred in "Hot Rod", I highly recommend that movie! A brief thanks to Tina Fey, or governor Palin, not sure who to thank on that one, definitely helped those ratings. Last, but certainly not least, the only person who could bring SexyBack, apparently had funnyback's number as well..... Justin Timberlake, the man is not only a musical genius but he is funny enough to be on the cast of SNL, without a doubt. I guess it was all those years on the Mickey Mouse Club... One way or another, thank you Mr. Timberlake for giving me a reason to tune in, or at least something to HULU.

Here is a video that almost made me pee my pants. Luckily I was naked the first time I watched so it just went straight on the floor. :)







Thanks for the video ally :)

9.29.2009

Day 46--- Mean Girls: Beware...


Today I decided to turn the tables and pick on someone who's been looking down on everyone since the beginning of time. The popular girls. However, I'm going to narrow the search a bit further to the ones who became uglified since we've seen them last. My annual trip back to Scottsdale is always a nice time to run into these swamp things in person, but thankfully due to the world wide web I can see them from the comfort of my Facebook profile.

I'm still amazed that dating the high school quarterback didn't give you the fairy tale life you had expected. (PS. we are 25 now, time to take the tassel off the rear-view mirror). I know you were the prom queen and all but that plastic crown really loses its shine once you get knocked up your freshman year of college, either with a child or by a branch off the ugly tree. I have heard of the freshman 15, clearly you were trying to raise that average to 50. You've gone from resembling Charlize Theron to looking like her character in "Monster". Unfortunately you weren't being paid. I have heard Karma is a bitch, apparently she visited you in the form of ugly.

It must really suck that you thought you would skate by on looks, and now you are not even cute enough to be one of the hosts at "Outback Steakhouse". (Side-note: why was every single hostess there hot as hell when I was growing up? I cant look good when I'm wrist deep in ranch dressing with a grip on some cheese fries)... Everyone knew that all the popular football players would turn out to be the losers who hung out around the high school campus for the next 20 years trying to pick up chicks, but we really had hopes for you. I mean you were so untouchable, we swore you would gold-dig some wealthy man out of millions (especially where we grew up). But time has gone and screwed up the one thing you had going for you, your looks. It must be hard.

So let this be a warning to the slut-squad of popular girls out there. I've seen it happen. Learn people skills while you have the chance because they are a bit harder to pick up while working at Denny's. I guess life is not fair, no hard feelings, I'm just trying to give you a fair warning. I'll see you next time I'm in town and craving a Grand Slam.

9.28.2009

Day 45--- Only One-Piece for You Ma'am...


Anyone who is lactose intolerant should not ingest this blog, because there is an unfortunate amount of cottage cheese from here on out. Earlier today I was enjoying a lovely day at the beach when I was forced to witness what would be the outcome of mixing "The Biggest Loser" and the opening scene from "Baywatch". It hurt more than the SPF 50 I had gotten in my eyes just minutes earlier.

There trotting down the beach before me was a woman in a bikini who could make fat Oprah look like Tyra Banks. This woman looked like she could have beaten John Candy in a hot dog eating contest. She was no doubt creating more waves than the ocean, you did not want to get caught in her rip-tide. (Get the Picture????). I will admit I was happy to see her working out, but this is the precise reason they sell treadmills you can use at home, so the rest of us don't have to have a tainted beach experience.

It always fascinates me to see large girls who are so confident, (not that they should not be) it's just odd that we have a world where girls who look like they need a sandwich don't shut up about how fat they are. Then we have girls who look like they ate the other girls running around with the confidence of swimsuit models. (Its probably all due to asshole guys, glad I'm a gentleman). I'm going to try and stay away from the fat jokes for the rest of the blog, for one I don't want to keep imagining her, and two because in this instance they are more fat truths than jokes.

Maybe she used to be 300 lbs. and now that she's down to 220 she thinks she is an American Gladiator and wants to show off her hot body. The problem is that we don't have the opportunity to see the before picture, so to us she is still just fat. Honestly, I wouldn't even be making fun of her if she would have been decent and wore a one piece and some shorts to cover the dairy farm. But, I figure when someone that large is flaunting what they've got they are submitting themselves to be judged. It's only fair, if I have to stop wearing my thong Speedo, then these girls had better have to edit their wardrobes as well.

9.27.2009

Day 44--- FreeCreditReport.crap


I have finally found the one person who can pass Carrot Top as the most annoying person on the face of the earth. If you guessed Paula Abdul you were warm, but I am actually referring to the ass hat from the Free Credit Report Commercials.

Every time I see this curly headed ear rapist I want to throw a rock through my plasma. The remote can not be close enough to my hand when I hear this guy start singing. I believe he is the sole reason they invented DVR with the capability to fast forward through commercials.
I would rather pay for everyone's credit reports than have to listen to him ruin my mid show breaks.

I heard rumors that Rob Zombie was actually going to use this guy as the villain in his next movie, which makes sense because he often haunts my nightmares. Nails and silverware scraping on a chalkboard is actually a soothing sound after one of these horrific advertisements.
I'm sure that he is not the writer, and I know he is laughing all the way to the bank, but something needs to be done about him. When I have kids I am not going to ground them, I am just going to lock them in a room with this dudes commercials on loop, come to think of it we should just start doing that to terrorists. Enough with cutting off fingers and ears, 5 minutes of this crap and I'll tell you anything you need to know.

9.26.2009

Day 43--- Bag the Bagger...



Is it just my negative outlook on the world, or is the bagger position at a grocery completely unnecessary? It's not only pointless but it is further proof that we are the laziest nation ever. (I have done a bit of traveling and never seen this position across seas, just sayin.) "Hey, I'm beat from deciding between Oreos and Chips Ahoy could you please put my groceries in my bags for me, oh also could follow me out to my car and put them in there for me? One last thing, if you aren't too busy maybe you could swing by later and help me unload it and organize my fridge, cook me dinner, feed me, brush my teeth, wipe me, and put me to bed... A few other things I cant seem to do on my own". What's next, ordering groceries online?...... shoot, too late.

It's not that I want anyone to be out of a job I just don't think we need assistance in becoming more lazy than we already are. It's like applauding your fat child who has diabetes for winning a pie eating contest. I have to say self check out is definitely more up my alley, although anyone who has been through one with me could tell you I need some more experience.

Maybe I just don't like the position due to less than desirable experiences with their packing skills. I would sooner trust Keifer Sutherland to drive my (future) kids carpool than I would to leave these guys unattended with my goodies. Cans with eggs, fresh ground beef with fruit, bread with frozen items, sometimes I think they actually go out of their way to ruin my food. I realize they are not equipped with PH D's or possibly even GED's for that matter, unfortunately for us common sense is not required either. I would bet that when these people were kids they were the ones who had trouble fitting the shapes into their corresponding holes. More and more often I find myself reaching over and bagging the stuff anyways. Maybe I'm just bitter for the 3 years I worked as a successful bagger-less cashier at Wal-Mart, so I know that it can be done. At least from I'm blogging/bitching from experience this time :-).

9.25.2009

Day 42--- The Winona Ryder Roomie...


If you have ever live in a house with roommates and a shared fridge I'm almost positive you have had to deal with this little rat. Whether they do it knowingly or in a drunken stupor its one of the most annoying things ever. Many a time I have come home from work thinking about tearing into my left over pizza, only to find the empty box in the trash. Its awful to wake up in the morning with sights set on a nice bowl of Fruity Pebbles only to find out someone decided their Oreo's needed your milk more than you did.

I kid you not when I first moved to Hawaii I actually witnessed a roommate drink my orange juice out of the carton through a crack in my door, and then deny that he touched it. This is extremely annoying especially now that orange juice is apparently made from pressed 24 karat gold. I'm not a selfish person, I'll probably share but just because you know I may allow it if you ask is in no way a substitute for actually asking. Especially when it comes to alcohol, sometimes all I want at the end of the day is that $3 bottle of Trader Joe's wine, yes the whole bottle, not the one glass of stale wine you left me. Getting me back next time is not an option unless you are going to be uncorking a new bottle by the time I sit down on the couch. I've even had someone try and compensate by putting water into my vodka bottle, while they are the same color this is not the brightest escape route when I'm keeping it in the freezer. This meat head clearly didn't realize that water freezes, but my balls have more brain cells than this guy so I was not terribly shocked.
Those of us who care about our food take many measures to protect our grub, initialing is a classic way to thwart these sticky fingers in a crowded home. However, if that does not work and you have made at least one verbal attempt to stop them, I am a supporter in taking more drastic measures. Tampering with our own food is not something we want to do, its a last resort, but once the cost of food loss outweighs the price of Ex-lax and eye drops it is well worth it. You could also dip or mix in something nasty or rotten, but sometimes causing them witness-able physical pain is necessary, especially by way of bowel movements. Side note: This is also fun if you work with a food bandit, that way everyone knows who is Oceans 11-ing their lunch-box. It is embarrassing as adults that management has to put up signs that say, "please do not touch food that does not belong to you" I have seen it. Do you think these are the people who used to be bully's and steal peoples lunch at school? They've just out grown the beating up part. This is exceptionally disgusting considering most of the places I've worked looks like they let Fear Factor use the fridge for their food. What do my co-workers eat??? OK, that was a long side note. In the meantime I did some research on roommate etiquette and I'm happy to tell you that it is less rude to make your roommates crap their pants then it was for them to eat your food, so we win!

I do have to end on a happy note though, after quite the array of roommates over the past year I am finally living with a house full of people who respect my foods privacy. None of them read my blog, but if they ever do, cheers.

PS. Ally, thanks for today's inspiration, I'll cook for you when you come visit :-) ...

9.24.2009

Day 41--- Dear Mr. and Mrs. Carrot...


I hate to be the one to break it to you, but are not fooling anyone with your carrot colored fake tan. Whether it's from a tanning bed, a spray can, or a nice brown lotion rub down, we can see right through you. Or we could if you were not glowing like a pumpkin on Halloween. I know fall is just around the corner, and you may want to start matching colors, but its typically housewares and clothes, not skin color.

I find nothing attractive about a girl or guy who looks like they came from the nuclear testing at area 51. I have seen burn victims with less frightening skin. These days there is certainly no shame in being the palest one in the room, ask Marilyn Manson, its definitely not his skin that creeps everyone out. Look at Katy Perry, I have seen polar bears with more of a tan, yet she still looks angelic. I know Michael Jackson made headlines punk-ing the world with his skin color year after year, but until you can dance like him I doubt you will have the same effect. If you are trying to match your personality and skin tone, then by all means continue to get fake tans. However, if you are a self respecting adult who is not fond of people staring and pointing you may want to meet my friend the sun. Now, I am sure you've heard that the UV rays can cause skin cancer, but what's a little bit of Melanoma when you are walking around with a natural golden tan.

9.23.2009

Day 40--- I Want to Kick You in the Blue-Tooth...



This is a warning to all blue-tooth owners, if I see you out on the street, in a club, at a restaurant, or at church I vow right now to wait for the perfect opportunity to trip you. It will be obvious, but as long as you end up on the ground I will consider it a huge success.

I understand the necessity of being hands free while in the car or maybe walking with full hands, but it is completely idiotic for you to keep that thing strapped to your ear at all times. It is not a hearing aid, or an earring, and judging by the rest of your aura, you are not going to miss any calls if you put it away. Besides, all the really cool people text these days anyways and you don't need a blue-tooth to twitter.

Ive seen people with these things on in places you cant even receive phone calls. Blue-tooth airplane guy, really? Although the government would have us believe that flight 93 was calling home without problems, I'm pretty sure you are not corresponding with anyone on the ground, I've tried. The same goes for these douchey 6 Train (subway) business men, hey Mr. popular, at least give your ear a breather while you're below ground. If you do happen to miss a call we still have this amazing technology called voicemail, fascinating, I know.

I think half of these guys just keep it on their ear because they think it looks cool and not out of convenience or necessity. I would like to be the first to tell you that no one cares about this technology anymore, at least not style wise. You are like the guy who still wears Oakley's in a room full of Ray-Bans, You're like a Mazda Miata in a parking lot full of Porche 911's. The cool point ship for blue-tooth's set sail about 2 years ago and you were no where to be found. I know it may have taken you 2 years to find a compatible phone, but we've moved on.

I secretly (well, not secretly anymore) hope they find out that these blue-teeth things cause some sort of disease, severity wise somewhere between the the herpes and cancer, I'd settle for a bad case of cauliflower though. The best is when I see these tools with the speaker in their ear and the phone in their hand... I guess your hands really were too busy to hold that up to your ear huh...? Kind of defeats the purpose, it's like those people who have the phone on speakerphone and still hold it up by their head. That's like wiping before you poop, it don't make any sense (stolen from Larry the Cable Guy-but perfectly relevant), (and I felt like having a poop reference in this blog).

Final Warning: If I catch you out in public gallivanting around with empty hands and a bluetooth in your ear with no one on the other line I will trip you. If I am with someone I will even be the one to get on all fours and let them shove you over me, just to be sure you cant save yourself... You've been warned.

9.22.2009

Day 39--- Don't You Dare Shake My Hand!



This blog is for all you nasties out there that do not wash your hands after going to the potty. You know exactly who you are too sick freaks are too. You sir, who came into the bathroom today at the Milwaukee airport. You were on the phone, deep in conversation, you peed for a good 24 seconds, 5 more for the after party, you then replaced your goods, and walked directly out without a thought of visiting the sink. You were not aware that I was in that stall next to you listening, (my phone had no service so I had nothing better to do). It breaks my heart to think that one out of every two Americans bypass the sink every time they do their business, (that is pretty dang close to half). Something needs to be done about this sickness, and I think I have hatched the answer.

I have created a new health care plan for the U.S. that is bound to solve all of our health problems. I suggest that we get one of the bathroom attendants from Hard Rock Cafe and stick them in every public bathroom across the country. Under my reformed health care plan their job is going to be a bit more than dabbing soap on your hand and ripping off paper towels. They are going to make sure that every person who walks out of the bathroom has washed their hands for at least 30 seconds, with warm water and soap. Bam! No more hand-borne diseases! I know what you may be thinking, there is no way they/we can possibly enforce this. Wrong, we make them all government employees which means they are Gods gift to the U.S. just like postal workers. The great part about making them government employees is that we wont have to tip them. I am still working out the details as far as the free cologne goes. I know there are probably still a few of you who think that this is impossible, but I say "Yes we can!", mainly just because that's what people say when the going gets tough. For extra security we will also equip each of them taser guns and the ability to write tickets just to make sure nobody is sneaking by with pee pee hands. No sir, not in my country, we may have some of the dirtiest streets, minds, mouths, yards, cars, restaurants, and people in the world, but if you join me we will damn sure have the cleanest hands!

9.21.2009

Day 38--- Put the Pictures Back in Your Wallet Please...



To Those Who Make Us Look at Pictures of Their Kids:
I am going to take a stand right now and let you know that no one wants to look at pictures of your children any longer. In fact no one ever has they have just been too afraid to say anything, but it needs to be said. I may be the only one honest enough to bring up the subject, but I assure you that I am not the only one thinking it. All babies really look the same, big bald cone heads, fat cheeks, no teeth, drool. So unless you have a picture of them holding a grenade, or reading a newspaper on the toilet you can count me out. They may have quite the little personality, but this is unfortunately not picked up by film. The only upside to these photos is that I don't have to listen to it cry at the same time.

I understand taking pictures so that they have memories of their childhood, but there is really no need to show me the portfolio of photos you keep in your purse or briefcase. Everyone knows you think your child is special, and that is what makes you a great parent, but that is really as far as you have to go to convince me. I am really tired of pretending to care what you dressed little Bobby up as on his first Halloween, and I'm sure that all of your other friends would agree. You can spare me the photos of that little thing crying on Santa's lap, that's what all babies do, it is not as cute as you think. I'm sure that the Easter egg hunt went brilliantly but I would love to skip the play by play. I don't know why you find it necessary to photo your children naked at every opportunity possible. I'm glad you bathe them in the same sink you wash your dishes in, remind me to not come over for dinner until you find the bath tub. I would oddly enough be more excited to look at your collection of Magic cards or Star Wars action figures ;), than I am to see one more photo of your diaper filler.

I know I moved to LA to get into acting, but until they start handing out awards for acting interested in peoples kids count me out. I'd rather look at pictures of your parents, or your animals, or even your animals parents, maybe those would be interesting. Feel free to flood Facebook, Photobucket, and your blog with them, because at least then I can enter at my own risk. But you make it impossible for me to politely decline in person. So here is my one last plea and promise. If you spare me the rest of your child's photo albums then I will promise you will never have to worry about hiding from me and my kids pictures.

Sincerely,
Ryan


9.20.2009

Day 37--- If You Cant Clap Something Nice; Dont Clap Anything at All...



If you've ever been to church or a concert I am certain you have run into this next social outcast. The off-beat clapper. Nothing is more offensive to my spirit or my ears then someone who can not simply clap along.

The Bible says make a joyful noise unto the Lord, I am pretty sure clapping a half step behind everyone else is anything but joyful. It may even be one of the unforgivable sins. There is no faster way to spot the white guy at a traditional southern gospel church then to listen for the late clap. (True he will also be the only one without a big flowery hat and a fan in his hand)

I recently went to a small (non-professional) performance of "The Wiz" and one of the guys in the chorus clapped more off beat then Hellen Keller would have been at auditions for "Stomp". There was nothing I could do to divert my eyes from this guy, he stuck out like a sore arm. He was so into it too, he looked like he thought he was directing the show.

I understand that certain people have no rhythm, but since when did you need to be in Trans-Siberian Orchestra to clap on time? If you have 2 hands you are pretty much guaranteed to be able to perform this operation. If you can at least look at the people around you, you should be able to manage at least one or two at the same time. It is worse than singing off key too, because I realize that not everyone was blessed with the same golden pipes that I was (haha). I'm not asking for you to be able to lead the worship service here people, but bringing your hands together at the same time as those around you has to be a basic human function. Most of the babies of the world start clapping nearly before they learn how to breath, something we have been doing this long we should pretty much have perfected by the time we are 10. If you are the off-beat clapper I want you to know that everyone around you does notice. They dont always look, and they will probably never say anything, but they are most definitely thinking about how much you are ruining the song. So I reccommend that if you catch yourself clapping ahead or behind the people around you for more that thirty seconds that you politely put your hands in your pocket. I have included an instructional clapping video below. Actually, its more for entertainment purposes. Enjoy.








9.19.2009

Day 36--- "Can You See Me Now???"


Unless you are Larry the Cable Guy who makes millions for looking like a tool there is no reason to wear camouflage out in public. Yet, day after day I still see these Rambo wannabe's flooding the streets. There are some things that were meant to be worn for specific occasions only, camouflage is definitely at the top of that list. Right up there with Halloween costumes, Santa outfits, jerseys, and work clothes. In my opinion it is just as wrong and unfashionable to wear camo to the mall as it is to wear a 3 piece suit to go hunting. Nothing screams trailer park louder than the family behind me in line at the local Wal-Mart who looks like they just killed Bambi. I realize for some of these offenders it may be the only attire that they can find but I guarantee there has got to be at least one Salvation Army in their town. Camouflage is so ugly that not even homeless people will wear it.

Obviously going to and coming from a hunt has to be acceptable, but this is not the case when you are in the row behind me at church. I'm sure if there was an 11Th commandment that got edited out it would have been thou shall not wear camouflage in church/ in public. Even spelling the name out reminds me of how ugly it is. Have you seen the camouflage shirts with words on the front? What is the point of this?... Is some hick designer out there trying to cross camo into main-stream clothing or is someone holding classes teaching deer how to read... I'm confused, appalled, and amazed all at the same time. At this rate it wont be long before people are going to try and wear military uniforms and scuba diving gear out to the mall. If you are someone who commonly breaks this rule, please realize that all the snickers and pointing is because of you. Sorry to burst your bubble. We can see you now.

Random note: Yesterday I saw a guy who was as big as a VW bus walking around the city with a camouflage shirt on and jeans on. I thought to my self, "self, if he were to happen to be out in the forest hunting is there any way on earth that whatever his prey was would not see or hear him coming." He looked like he could be about as stealth as a 747 on the lawn of the Pentagon. Going hunting with this guy would be about as successful as the cast of Little People Big World playing a pick-up game against the 96' Bulls.

Photo Caption: Up top you can see a photo I have included of popular star Rihanna wearing camouflage in public, she may be a large Larry the Cable Guy fan, or she may just be trying to hide from Chris Brown. Whatever the case may be, she still fails with this outfit.

9.18.2009

Day 35--- "I'm SO Drunk Right Now!!!"


"Really? Because you have had only one drink in you're hand all night".

This has happened before and it will happen again. It is a case of the girl who pretends to be drunk so she can get attention. If not purely for attention then I have no idea why girls do this. Maybe it is so they can do stuff they would never do "sober", while at the same time being coherent enough not to do anything too stupid. Maybe, these girls are on medication and really do get smashed off of half a beer. I have actually been out with a friend who had water with a lime in her glass, and was telling people it was vodka. As the night progressed she acted more and more drunk, off of water. It was quite interesting to see how things unfolded to say the least. It is true alcohol has been helping ugly people get laid since the beginning of time, but thats why we have Rohypnol these days folks. (Kidding). I guess I'm just personally annoyed with obnoxious girls pretending to be drunk for attention, so I'm taking out my frustrations in a blog. (Because that's what you do when you are a bitter person like I am, haha....)

Should these girls be considered alcoholics or actresses? Do guys do this too? What is the exact benefit? Or are there multiple reasons? Why do ugly people even go out to bars? Why do ugly people go out anywhere? Shouldn't they be at the library? Or playing World of Warcraft and updating their blog? Why aren't they taking pictures of their cat? Don't they need to be trying to become rich so they can find true love aka a gold-digger? Are you ever surprised alcohol is enough to get some people laid? Who invented beer? Do you think he was ugly?

I heard a story about a fraternity that threw a big party on campus with kegs full of non-alcoholic beer, and invited all the underclassmen. By the end of the night the majority of them were acting like drunk fools, talking about how wasted they were and jumping off things. Maybe people just think they need something to help them come out of their shells a bit so they use alcohol as an excuse. So even when they think they are drinking it the placebo affect kicks in and they start going crazy. The funny thing is when they go the "fake drunk" route then they really do have to remember all the stuff that we get to forget when we black out. Regardless, they need to be stopped, either get drunk or don't, but you need to stop going the Ashlee Simpson live performance route. (fake)

9.17.2009

Day 34--- "Oh, I'm Not That Hungry"...


Everyone loves going out to a nice meal with a group of friends, especially this next person. We all have that friend who will go out with a group and when its time to order they will claim that they are not "that" hungry. (Key word being "THAT"). They may even say I'll just have a bite/nibble/taste/sample/of yours, just so you are not surprised when the food comes and they start devouring it. You've seen this stunt before but you cant force them to order, and you don't want to sound greedy so you act like its no big deal (when we all know it is).

The food finally comes. Shamelessly, without skipping a beat, and ordinarily before you've had a chance to take a bite they scarf down the first thing they can reach. You think, OK, there's your taste, but deep inside you know its just begun. By the time your plate is half empty you realize that you have only taken about 3 bites. You've been had, this is commonly referred to as "the cheap ass friend who really is hungry but doesn't want to pay so they will syphon food from everyone else at the table and then not offer to pay", anything or (T.C.A.F.W.R.I.H.B.D.W.T.P.S.T.W.S.F.F.E.E.A.T.T.A.T.N.O.T.O.) for short. Because if they did offer to pay for half of what they ate they would end up having to pic up most of the check for the table. I'm one of the cheapest bastards I know, but I still man up and buy my own food. And if I ever claim to be not hungry, I've either just eaten, I'm being super cheap, or I'm lying, but I certainly am not going to clear everyone else's plates.

If you are one of those people that is too nice to say anything and you always end up leaving these group meals still hungry due to the food thief. You just have to remember who they are and distance yourself from them next time you go out. If you happen to get stuck within reach and they pull the not hungry bit, feel free to let them know when you find their hands in your plate they will be pulling back nubs, unless of course they want to pay half. There is certainly no shame in standing up for your food and for yourself, your stomach will thank you.

Tell-tale signs of the food thief:

1. Someone who often complains about money, but still wants to go out.
2. Someone who has no problem asking to borrow things, but never returns it.
3. A fat person who claims they are not hungry. (we are always hungry)
4. ANY stoned person without their own food in front of them.
5. Anyone else think of any?????

9.16.2009

Day 33--- Croc of Sh*t...


I honestly don't know who I am more upset with, the person who designed Crocs, or the people with no sense of style who wear them. Upset really does not describe my true animosity towards these things. It seems as though they started out as a sandal substitute that one would wear on a day to the beach or at the pool. Now I'm seeing people wear these atrocious things out to dinner, at weddings, at funerals, and so on there is no end to their shamelessness.

Just because they can be found in all the colors of the rainbow does not mean they can be worn with any outfit. The only time these are acceptable at a funeral is if you are the one getting cremated, while wearing them. I've recently noticed that the designers even thought it would be a good idea to make little holes to put charms in. Now I see people of all ages running around with a bunch of charms on their feet. They look like a cross between a Payless, Claire's, and a Christmas tree from the ankle down.

This has got to stop. I never have been around of group of people and heard someone say "Oh, look at those Crocs, those are cute, I need to get a pair". If I had ever heard one of my friends utter those words, we would no longer be friends. NO, I'm not shallow, I just don'thang out with stupid people who dress like they are 9 years old, even Kanye West would be embarrassed to be seen with you. And Lord knows he is looking for some friends right now. There really should be a maximum age they are allowed to sell this foot fungus to, 9 maybe 10. The age in which we switch to boxers and training bras seems perfect. If you are over 4 foot 6, past 5Th grade, and or can color inside the lines, you are too old to be wearing Crocs. I'm sure it makes you feel like you have a playground on your feet but please grow up, you are not a kid again Michael Jackson. You may think I would change my mind if I owned a pair of them, but you would sooner get me to sit through "Watchmen" a second time then have me try on a pair of Crocs.

If you are reading this post and you own a pair I assure you it is not too late for you to seek help. I hear that in most towns across the country they hold Croc melting parties/support groups for people with your affliction. (I believe they are called "Die Crocs" or "Croc Hunters"). They are typically held after "AA" meetings and before "those who have have mullets" meetings. One way or another you need to be reaching out for help. I cant promise we will be here for you every step of the way, especially if you continue wearing them in the process, but I will assure you open arms in the end.

Friends don't let friends wear Crocs.

9.15.2009

Day 32--- What is that Awful Smell???


If you said moth balls you are correct. I can not people use these things for anything. I don't care if it does keep moths and other pests away from your clothes. If you were really that concerned maybe you should just wear them and not keep them in the hall closet. If rubbing dog shit on your skin kept you from getting a sunburn would you do it? I didn't think so. Sometimes the smell is so strong that I swear these people keep them in their pockets at all times. I would almost venture to say that the smell of these things at a restaurant is equally as offensive as someone smoking, and we know that has been outlawed in most non-hick states. Maybe I have a sensitive nose but I have smelled homeless people that are less repugnant, from across the street. No wonder it keeps pests away it probably keeps most humans away from you as well... I swear the day my mom and dad decide to bring that crap into their home is the day that I am putting them in one. No questions asked. I love them, but they have surely gone crazy once they make their first purchase of these little stink grenades. Sorry mom. While I was looking for pictures I also found out that they may be hazardous to humans, now this may just be propaganda put out by moths but I'm pretty sure I have been right all along. Throw them away.

9.14.2009

Day 31--- Two Space Takers...


For those of you who don't have to drive and worry about parking on a daily basis, consider yourself lucky. I know for the past 5 years living in NY has spoiled me with the convenience of public transportation and walking everywhere I needed to go. I had started to forget about all the d-bags on the road out there. A little more specifically the tools that think it is necessary to take up two parking spots with their mammoth SUV's. This is really unnecessary, all parking spots were created equal and can easily accommodate all types and sizes of vehicles. I guess these people think that their tank is special and deserves the two spots the take up so nobody can ding their car. When really they should be more worried about the nice new key-made pinstripe down the side of their car. It is hard enough to find a parking spot here in LA without these jerks monopolizing parking spots.

Ive decided that I am going to start carrying mini tire puncturing nail strips to place behind the wheels of these cars. I won't be a dick about it though, I'm going to leave a friendly little note that says, payback is a bitch attached to a business card to the nearest "smart car" dealership.

The same goes for those of you who want to park half-way in a parallel parking spot thus taking up two potential spots with your one car. Once again it is hard enough to find spots here in Hollywood without having all these Escalades, Navigators, Tahoes, BMW's and so on acting like they own the lot. When it comes to driving this is just about the same as cutting someone off or tailing them too close. Which we all know is the leading cause of road rage in the U.S today. I'm sure at one point or another we all suffer from road rage, but I'm here today to admit that I suffer from parking lot rage, it is less frequent but equally as aggressive as road rage. So watch out.

It will be even worse if I see you getting into or out of your car once you have completed an ass hole parking job. Because Lord knows I have a bad case of not keeping my mouth shut when I should (not quite as bad as Kanye West's case, but he is borderline retarded). I will probably say something to you, as long as you are smaller than me and don't look like you could be carrying a gun or a knife. So basically if you don't have blacked out tint and spinners I'll be preparing some words. Its more based on principle at that point, I just want to make sure you know that everyone hates you for what you have dont. It really does not take much to be considerate and pull straight into the spot, and if you cant figure it out you should not be driving period. When in doubt, just say to yourself W.W.K.N.D., what would Kanye not do?

Off topic (and its my blog so I'm allowed):
I just got through watching the VMA's and I had to comment a few quick things, mainly so I can look back someday and reminisce. First of all, the Michael Jackson Tribute was epic. I think Madonna spoke beautifully and really made us remember that as weird as he may have become he still was one of the most talented performers that ever walked/will ever walk this earth (or moon for that matter-get it). It really is hard for most of us to imagine what it would be like to be thrust into stardom at 6 and grow up without a childhood. I had one and I still act like one 90% of the time. His music and his performances were world wide and though he may be gone his legend will live on, he truly was and will always be the King of Pop. Lady Gaga, that is one strange broad, her performance was pretty rad, but her costumes looked like something from "Where the Wild Things Are", we understand you have a ski-slope for a nose but it would become less noticeable if it was not covered 83.7% of the time. She should have written a song called butter-face. If her and Adrien Brody dated they would never be able to kiss for fear of face puncturing wounds. OK I'm over it. Katy Perry and Pink yes please. Megan Fox, overrated, I'm not saying she is ugly but she looks more and more full of herself every time I see her. Eminem is still cool, but he needs to eat. MUSE rocked as always, I'm glad they are finally making their way to the U.S, maybe next year their tour will actually make it to the west coast. Taylor Swift, of all people for Kanye to mess with I think she is the least deserved. She is young, classy, non trashy pop star which is few and far between these days. I don't think anyone cares how good the video was Kanye just needed one more chance to prove himself as the huge douchebag he is. One thing to say about him, is at least he is consistent. The asshole needs to be reminded of what it is like to have a broken jaw again though. I don't think I have ever had less respect for a performer in my life, he makes Marilyn Manson look like Elvis Presley. I hope after that stunt his approval rating is lower than Bush's was a year ago. Eh, asshole. Beyonce, Ive always liked her and thought she was a great performer and so on, but last night she showed that she is also classy. My respect went up for her ten-fold (which I'm not really sure how much that is), but she proved that a diva that big can still remember where she came from. All in all, I was far more I'm pressed with this VMA's then I have been in years, I guess I'll be back next year to watch again.



ps..... I know the picture is small, but its not always easy to find these things.

9.13.2009

Day 30--- White Chocolate...


If you are a Caucasian that gets offended easily this is a blog you should probably skip, at least until you have a sense of humor. But if you are as annoyed with white guys in "bling" as I am, read on. I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks certain accessories are made and meant for certain people. FUBU is a perfect example, if you are not aware FUBU stands for For Us By Us, the owners could not have been much more specific. (This is outside the boundaries of racism and class-ism, this is style and common sense people.)... You don't think John Smith would have run around with Pocahontas's headdress on do you? Of course not because that was socially unacceptable at the time, now its fine, we have crossed those boundaries.

No saltine I have seen has ever looked good with a gold plated Jesus head dangling around his neck, only Kanye West could pull this off. Just like those really cool glasses that look like blinds that everyone tries to wear now (but that's a whole other story). The only two white "celebrities" (term used very loosely) that have attempted to pull off "bling" are Kevin Federline and Kid Rock, and I highly doubt those are 2 citizens you would like to model yourself after. At least I hope not, if you ever hear a young kid say he wants to be like one of them when they grow up just smack them upside the head, for me, and for their own good.

The only time it is acceptable for a white guy to have that much gold around his neck is after a swim meet during the Olympics. All other violators will be towed, at the owners expense. Wearing too much "bling" is really a gateway drug to doing other stupid stuff. If you allow this as a parent pretty soon your son is going to come home with a blunt over his ear, a wife-beater, saggy pants, corn-rows in his hair, trying to act like he is the next Eminem. We all know there is only one Eminem, no one else is slipping through that hole (just ask Asher Roth). There is no way that if you are just a typical dude with a 9 to 5 that you can afford any of the real bling anyways, are they giving these things out in cereal boxes and happy meals these days? Maybe you found it in one of the candy dispensers at the front of Wal-Mart. I don't know where the purchase was made but whoever sold these items too you needs to be shot. Especially if you tried it on in front of them and they told you it looked good. There is a reason that Tiffany's does not sell this crap, because no one with enough money and self dignity would ever buy it. Honestly though, if you can but a big ol' chain on and an iced out watch and look at yourself in the mirror without busting out laughing then your problems may be more than just skin deep. Maybe the big chain is over compensating for something, I'm just saying. If you are a girl who finds this attire good looking and you allow your man out of the trailer dressed like this then you are about 3 episodes away from "Springer". The truth is I can not find enough mean things to say in an un-approving manner, so I'm going to leave you with one last thought that will hopefully scare the Bl*ng out of you. Kevin Federline.










9.12.2009

Day 29--- Over-Age Brace Face...


It creeps me out when older people have braces. Plain and simple, if you are old enough to be my parents you are too old to have hardware in your mouth. Braces on older people is one of the few things that can actually make me uncomfortable. I know its rude to point, but I promise if I find you I will point you out to everyone, even people I dont know on the street. I would be less shocked and appalled if you had an entire golden grill with your name on it. Which believe me is still ridiculous, but after living in NYC I had to get used to that.

Face the music, after 40 no one really cares what you look like anyways, if you are not married by that point it is either by choice or something other than your teeth is scaring people away. Its time for you to start calling up all those people you made the "if we're both not married by the time we're 40 promise to". And if you are married there is really no point in trying to look better they are stuck with you. Why else would 95% of the people at the gym be single. Braces after 40 is just silly its like putting new cabinets in a house with no roof, broken windows, and a yard that has not been mowed since you moved in (thats so dirty if you let it be). Plus that's why God invented Botox and fake boobies to take the focus away from your teeth and put it towards things that are still interesting. Braces are for people who still have a chance at looking good, not as a last resort. Chances are when you are that old all the opposite sex cares about is how much money you have, so you may as well take that $4,000 you'd spend on your headgear and put it towards a new car or TV.

I took a poll in my mind, and everyone in there said unanimously that they would rather stare into a big gap then someone over the age limit with braces. Glad that is settled.

Here is a list to let you know if you have been braces dis-approved:

If you were in the Vietnam War or old enough to be, you're too old for braces.

If you now have to hold things closer to your face to read it, you're too old for braces.

If you have kids old enough to drive themselves to school, you're too old for braces.

If you are too old for your period, you're too old for braces.

If the first time you smoked pot was at Woodstock, you're too old for braces.

If you do not own at least one product from "Apple", sucks to be you, and you're too old for braces.

If you do not know what OMG, BFF, LOL, BRB, or JK stand for, you're too old for braces.

If you use anything product for "Just For Men" or "Rogaine", you're too old for braces.

If you were alive at the same time as JFK, you're too old for braces.

If someone younger than you had to teach you how to use the Internet or to text, you might be too old for braces.

If you ever had to walk to school uphill, in the snow, barefoot, both ways. You're an asshole. You should have bought some shoes. Oh, and you're too old for braces.

If you are on your kids blog account to read this. You're OK, cuz the more readers the better.

If you don't know a chorus to at least one Britney Spears or Justin Timberlake song, you are clearly stuck under a rock, and too old for braces.

I could keep going but I think you get the drift. I felt like Jeff Foxworthy with the whole redneck thing there, no wonder he made a killing. If you are Jeff Foxworthy you are too old for braces, but obviously not smart enough to realize that mustaches have not been cool since 79'.

If you absolutely have hideous teeth you can always move to the UK and you will blend right in. (Some of the most fit snaggle-toothed people in the world). Or if necessary you can find this "Invisalign" because those are like contacts for your teeth and I cant really tell if you are wearing those. Plus I don't have to watch a grown ass woman picking food out of her braces, possibly one of the least cougar things ever (and I really do not adhere to most manners). I know it is typically hot to look younger than you are, but this can be done with pig-tails, spray on tans, and playing dress up. Braces has not, and never will be on that list.

I'm over it. Thanks Jenn.



9.11.2009

Day 28--- Tribute to Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts. Sort Of.


On the anniversary of one of the greatest tragedies in our nation I decided to pick a group semi-specific to 9-11. No, I'm not talking about terrorists, or firemen, or policemen. The group that I am referring to today are the conspiracy theorists. While they have obviously always been around I think with the help of the Internet they have really started to come together and flourish.
My take on them as a whole is not going to be as adverse as I have been with my past few subjects, I'm keeping an open mind. Of course there are plenty of idiots out there whose "theories" about events over the course of history are quite out of whack. Such as Tom Cruise's view on religion. But that's neither here nor there, I decided to do a little research and comment on some theories that I find floating around the web.

To forewarn, I am not making any of these up.

#1- KFC makes black men impotent... Well, I think we all know that if this were true the black population in this country would be next to nothing. Further research shows that KFC is actually owned by a black gentleman. Shock. JK.

#2- The U.S military caused the tsunami in India in 2004... If I remember correctly in 2004 Bush was in office and the man can barely tie his shoes, cause a tsunami, I think not. But, he did obviously cause hurricane Katrina. Once he found out that KFC didn't make black men impotent he had to figure out another way to get rid of them. (clearly I'm kidding, Noland if you ever read this I love you.)

#3- Nazi's had a moon base... Weren't they busy killing people??? And growing really stylish facial hair.

Again I am not making these up...

#4 - Microsoft sends messages in Wingdings... Well finally someone found a use for that shit.

#5- Bar codes are intended to control people... I wouldn't say control, but once they start tattooing them on our necks I'm sure they will help identify us.

#6- Charlemagne never existed, and was a fictional character... Too far back for me to care.

#7- Area 51 is out there and is a real place with aliens and stuff... Woo, so is District 9 but as long as they keep those slimy bastards fenced in we don't have to worry. I don't want them eating my cat food. (will only make sense if you've seen the movie).

#8- Apollo 11 moon landings were fake... Totally not, but if you look closely you can see a munchkin hanging himself from a stage light in the background. (this is one worth looking into people)

#9- The Government killed JFK... I didn't even realize this was still a theory. Plus there are thousands of magic bullets floating around these days.

#10- The government caused, knew about, or covered up 9-11... No way! Fires always bring down 110 story buildings while only burning for 2 hours (if planted detonators go off below). Planes always disappear into holes in the ground or small holes in the side of buildings, (with the same jet fuel mind you yet no lasting fires). We always find suicide bombers alive after they died in plane wrecks. I could go on but i wont. But, if you are halfway interested. Check out a video called Loose Change, its pretty interesting.
Truthfully I firmly believe that Bigfoot and the Lochness monster are part of the Freemasons, which is where they learned how to control the world!... I realize those are Obama and Hilary's code names but I'm talking about the real ones.

I think we all know that there are some bull-crap theories out there and there will always be some follower who wants to drink the kool-aid. At the same time if you look at some of them with an open mind, and not the mind that we are given while in public school. You may find some pretty interesting and factual stuff, like I said before the Internet has worked wonders for "theorists" all over the globe. It certainly makes it harder for the government to cover things up when we can share video all over the world all on our own even if the news channels wont. All I'm saying is have an open mind, oh, and watch out for Bigfoot, he's right behind you!

9.10.2009

Day 27--- Tele-Motherf*&^%^$


I'm pretty sure my next victims have been called every name in the book, I didn't google statistics, I just know I have used at least 37 different ones on them. Tele-marketers are quite possibly the most annoying people on earth (next to the guy on the free credit report commercials).

How awful is it being mid "American Idol" and having the phone ring. Initially you get excited, because well, getting phone calls is almost always exciting (especially in the text-ual world we're living in). What you hear on the other end of the phone is not exciting at all though.

Typical Conversation:

"Hello, may I please speak with Mr. Holman?"...
"speaking"...
"Hi, Mr. Holman could I possibly interest you in signing up wi-*click*.............."
Did I seriously just waste precious seconds of my life talking to a telemarketer. Almost always our anger lasts long after the phone call, we go on and on about our number being un-listed, and this and that. To where we becoming more distracting than the call itself. I'll be honest, it pisses me off the most when I try and politely decline and they just keep going, like if they change their voice tone to a higher pitch all of a sudden I'm gonna be like you know what I do want to sign up for a new credit card, you totally sold me on it.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm on the movie "Glen-Gary Glen-Ross" or the "Boiler Room" (which is a reference only my dad will get). Just thinking about getting calls from these butt plugs has me angry now. I heard Chris Brown had just got a phone call from a telemarketer before he went ape shit on Rhianna (this is a common term, not referring to how his face looks). I never think it is right to hit a girl, but if the stories are true I can see why he snapped. Tele-marketers make me almost as distraught as knowing that Carson Daly still has his own TV show, even though no one watches it. Its bad. He's not funny. Was he ever funny? Did I miss something? And now I think he he does crack, but like the store brand because God knows he cant afford the good stuff. OK. sorry random tangent, but really?.... Carson Daly, my cat has more humor in his left paw, and the kicker is, I don't even own a cat. But if I did.

Fact (that I made up);Studies show that tele-marketers are the leading cause of bi-polar-ness in our country.

Back to tele-marketers.
At this point we are so predisposed to hating these phone jerk-offs that they could be giving shit away and we wouldn't let them talk long enough to find out. I imagine the average call time for one of them is something like 8 seconds, it is probably harder for them to keep people on the phone than it would be to ride a bull...(that's where I got the whole 8 second thing from).

It makes me wonder if people used to treat door to door salesmen like this back in the ""leave it to Beaver" era. Pre-peep holes and stuff. Did people open the door to see some jack ass with a vacuum cleaner and a briefcase and then just shut it right back in his face. When did we become so rude. Is it us or is it them that are the rude ones? I don't even know anymore. Technically they are invading my me time, which is very hard to come by, so maybe they are the inconsiderate ones. Or is it I, the one who hurls insults and hangs up on seemingly innocent people who just need to do their job. Cant you guys see I am busy updating my Facebook status?... The amazing thing is, I don't even have a land line and these bastards still manage to get a hold of me. Yes, I have caller I.D. but it never says "asshole calling", its always like some number that I think I might know or for some reason I recognize, which at this point is probably because they call once a week.

I wonder what the suicide rate is among telemarketers, that may be an interesting study. Do you think they have to have their offices in some remote area so people don't try and track them down and harm them?(Harm being the least graphic word that came to mind). Do you think the pay is amazing to keep them going? Do you think they get a special bonus if they keep the person on the line longer than 30 seconds, even if they don't make a sell? Do you think telemarketers have friends? Do you think their families still love them? Do you think they even have families? Do you think maybe they were a bunch of foster kids who were bred into tele-marketers? Have you ever met one? (I haven't, makes me wonder if they really exist or if they are just part of my imagination. How high is their turnover rate? How do they know when we are eating dinner? Who do people hate more, postmen or tele-marketers? All valid questions that I'd like you all to ponder. Or answer in the comment area.

Fact (that I made up): Most Americans would rather answer the phone to the guy from "Scream" on the other line than a tele-marketer.

I'm over it, my phone's ringing gotta go.

9.09.2009

Day 26--- Sock it To Me...


No matter how many times I watch "The Devil Wears Prada" I am still no fashionista, believe me. Yet, I still contain enough brain cells to know that socks with sandals is a huge no no. There are no exceptions to this rule, except maybe ninjas, but they can kick me in the face so i really don't argue with them about anything. Yet, any given trip to the mall or a theme park you are bound to see at least one of these idiots walking around. I know you are thinking, "gee Ryan that's harsh". NO, no its not, these people are breaking like one of only 2 footwear rules. The other being that they go on your feet.

Jesus would be rolling in his grave if He saw you wearing socks with His sandals. (OK, I realize He rose from the grave, and He can see you all the time, but for the sake of this blog...pretend). Wearing socks with sandals is in the same "NEVER DO" category as rat tails, mullets, and fanny packs (all future blog topics). I cant imagine a time in history that someone thought, "I want to wear sandals so my feet can breathe, but not too much.

FACT: You should never be wearing sandals and end up with a farmers tan.

Is it even comfortable? It makes as much sense as wearing a thong over whitie-tighties, if you are gonna have a wedgie, go for the gold. I'm sitting here trying to think of something that looks equally as idiotic as sox con sandalias and the only thing that comes to mind is Tom Hanks' hair in "The Davinci Code", and still that hails in comparison. It actually makes me feel uncomfortable, I instantly think this person has a mental illness and is going to start drooling on me, or possibly they are from Germany. Either way we need to enlighten these people.

You know, it just makes me want to sock someone. (had to)... The end.

ps. thanks for the idea allyson :)



9.08.2009

Day 25---
$12.50 for a Movie Ticket...
$7.50 for a Soda...
$5.00 for Popcorn...
Sneaking Your Own Food into a Theatre.... Priceless.


Yesterdays blog is going to be a tough one to follow, apparently we all know what its like to walk up on the dairy farm huh... Well, since I got such a great response yesterday I figured I'd throw another group of people in that we could all relate to. If you show me someone who has never snuck food into a movie theatre, I'll show you a liar, or a Mormon, plain and simple (no, the two are not related-figure it out).

If Harkins, AMC, and so on think that it is acceptable to charge me $12.50 to watch a movie I could download online for free. Then I see nothing wrong with filling my man purse full of goodies. Ill even hide things in my socks if necessary. From a very young age this was a value that was instilled in my home. My mom taught me all the skills of the trade (she could sneak food into a restaurant and get away with it). It is kind of disgusting to think that a family of four in NYC could spend close to $100 to go see a movie and get drinks and snacks. Sneaking food into the movies does not require any special skills either, unless of course what you are sneaking in is already open. I was on a date once and I had just bought a caramel frapp from Starbucks (highly recommended BTW), I was not nearly finished by the time the movie was about to start and I didn't want to throw it away. So I politely forced the girl I was with to dig a hole in her purse and prop it up. Success! Ive also seen the old keep it wrapped up in its original bag and bury it at the bottom of the purse trick, Airheads and Redvines galore. You need to make sure you hide the food opposite the ticket ripper side. This is important in the success of your venture. (This same technique works at Broadway shows, concerts, sporting events, church, and funerals). I don't even care if I'm out with a girl and she wants some popcorn, I'll tell her we can get some Cheese Crisps at the CVS and when she is paying for the date she can call the shots. Clearly this is why I'm single...No shame.

All in all, if you are currently a food sneaker inner, props and power to you, it really is the way to go. If you do not sneak food in because you think you will get caught, next time take a good look at the ticket ripper/security, there is a reason that they are ripping the tickets. (It is probably the most that their brains can handle). I imagine if you wanted you could probably sneak a friend into a movie with the credit card receipt, or potentially anything perforated. So, give it a shot, I assure you it with be worth a trip to the store beforehand.

Cheers.


I have included a video on movie etiquette for those of you who dont know how to behave once in. There are bad words. So if you have kids around send them to bed, or prepare the ear muffs.

Double Cheers.




9.07.2009

Day 24--- Tits McGee...


Boobs are like car wrecks. OK, let me re-phrase that, boobs with little kids sucking on them are like car wrecks (too graphic? then you get my point). They are like car wrecks because even when you know you shouldn't look, you cant help but stare. It does not matter if the cars are nice or new you still want to see what condition they are in. This is precisely why breast feeding in public should not be allowed. Unless of course you want me to sit there waiting for your baby to take a breath. Yes, I'm aware that it is a natural and necessary process, but so is my desire to stare at breasts. I cant tell you how many times Ive walked up to a table, (for those who just joined us, I'm a waiter) and some lady has got her feed-bag out being milked by some diaper-fest. Hey I'm hungry too, but I'm not allowed to eat on the floor (especially not oyster crackers-inside joke).

You remember when we were in school, and we could not take out a snack unless we had enough for the whole class. If we enforce this rule for milkin-madres then maybe I'll stop caring. Otherwise, go to the bathroom, do it before you leave home, or pump it into a bottle. Its hard enough for guys to look women in the face when they are talking to them, you can assume its at least 72.3 times harder when we have a chance to see the nip. Yes, you just had a baby. Yes, you are probably married. That's part of the fun, its like a bonus round if we see ones that we would not see otherwise.

I know they have made these shirts that you can lift up and put the baby's head underneath, which I do appreciate. I can guarantee you we are all still trying to see what's under there. This I compare to the aftermath of that same car wreck from above. They now have tarps, white sheets, and police tape over everything, but you are one rubber necking S.O.B to try and see what's under there (I know, I've been caught behind you in traffic). People are curious, people are nosey, and if this was not true no one would relate to any of my blogs. If this were the Garden of Eden no one would mind if you just plopped your situation out and let the little sucker (haha-intended) go to town but this is 2009 and boobs are just as fascinating to me today as they were in 8Th grade. So the deal is, if you don't mind sharing feel free to feed. If you don't agree with the sharing is caring policy, first of all, shame on you; but more importantly wait for the car.

Needless to say, I had fun choosing today's picture. It took longer than usual to find the right one.

9.06.2009

Day 23--- Follow, Follow, Follow, Follow the Yellow Brick Road!


What is wrong with the word midget? It certainly does not offend anyone that I know. What happened to having a "little" bit of fun at someone else's expense. Who says I have to be politically correct? Its not that I mind calling them "little people", I just think the word midget loads more fun to say. Don't you?

I think with the popularity of the show "Little People Big World" it has once again become a novelty to be a midget in the United States. Their first wave of popularity came after the ever popular "The Wizard of Oz", people realized the importance of their role in that movie. Dorothy never would have gotten her happy ass to Oz if it were not for the excellent sense of direction the munchkins had, and the great architectural design of that yellow path. Just when the munchkins popularity was wearing off we had another classic midget movie, "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory", thank God for those silly little Oompa Loompas. Once again these characters shaped the outcome of this classic story.

I don't know about you but these classics certainly make me want to have one of my own. Obviously not own them, but maybe just start up some sort of rental system. I think I could create a little case for them similar to the ones that Paris uses for her little dogs (obviously it would have to be a bit bigger). Or I'm sure that I could design some sort of papoose thing that I could wear on my front or back like some sort of satchel. I know if I had the time, money, and a midgetorium I could make midgets the hottest accessory in 2010.

Lets be honest, they can do all the same things as big people. Well, except ride roller coasters, reach the buttons for the top floors on an elevator, ride in the front seat of a car, change a light bulb, sit in the exit row on an airplane, play major league sports, but none of those things are any fun anyways. They also get to do a lot of cool things that we cant, look up girls skirts without bending over, shop at baby gap, take really funny pictures, get thrown across the pool with ease, work for Santa, stand on things and not get yelled at, crawl out of the back of a booth from under the table without having to have everyone get out, hide in clothing racks at the mall and jump out and scare people, so clearly they have advantages that I can only dream about.

Who knows maybe short is the way God intended all people to be and we are the abnormally large monsters, you know sometimes the majority means all the fools are on one side. (one of my favorite quotes ever! btw-live by it)...

There are plenty of " little people" that have made it "big" in the entertainment industry who can be an inspiration to all. For instance, Joe C the little guy who ran around with Kid Rock, Emmanuel Lewis from the 80's TV show "Webster", Tom Cruise who used to be married to Nicole Kidman, Vern Troyer aka Mini Me, plenty of people have become famous despite their shortfalls. (no pun intended)... (that's a lie, I intended it)

One of my dreams in life is actually to see 2 teams of midgets play tug of war against each other. Or just one team against me, and see if I can beat them! Is that so bad? Either that or go to one of their little conventions and dress up as Goliath, although I wont give them sling-shots, I don't trust them any further than I can throw them. (Which is oddly more than I trust you guys, just due to the size/throwing ratio).

Hopefully no one was offended by this, luckily midgets don't know how to use computers so I know I wont have to worry about them. KIDDING.

9.05.2009

Day 22--- Who Are You???


If you have Facebook then I'm sure you are used to getting invites for applications, parties, and fan clubs every time you log in. Its annoying but we deal with it to stay connected to our friends and acquaintances. These things are the items that keep Facebook interesting for hours a day. However, the thing that still boggles my mind is all these people with fan clubs for themselves. I'm not talking about famous people who have actual fans that make them clubs to show support. I'm talking about the people that I work with who have created themselves their own fan profile's. Not only do they create these themselves but they actually have the nerve to email me and ask you and I to join.

It is not normal to ask people to be your fan, this is something that needs to be allowed to happen naturally. I do check most of them out to see if they have some hidden talent that I never noticed before. Sadly most of them do not, and by most I'm mean like 9 out of 10. Sometimes its like they are not even trying. They don't have video or song links, they are not famous on Youtube, they simply have a page with their head shot and a bunch of 19 year old fans who will click yes on anything you ask them to. Its mind boggling that people are so narcissistic to think, "I know we are barely friends, but maybe you'll want to be my fan", "no, no I'm not famous I thought maybe you'd want to join this site Ive dedicated and started for myself. I really do chuckle every time I get new request to join one. I may be one of the most self centered, self promoting people that I know and I don't even have my own fan site (yet, ha ha). If I wont join Mila Kunis or Justin Timberlake's Fan page when I would marry either one of them, then you can damn sure guarantee that I'm not trying to be your fan. Trust. Its no offense to you, you are just not important enough or famous enough for me to pretend like I care. People who click yes are really just doing it so that you will stop sending them requests, I still refuse, I would rather deny you every time I sign on than succumb to the pressure. You guys very well may be famous some day, but for the time being focus more on singing in your mirror and less on trying to have fans pre-fame.

In 2 months when I'm adding you to my fan club. Disregard this blog :).....
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